PLAYGIRL KILLER (1967) – Oh, Canada! With the passing of Neil Sedaka I no longer had an excuse to put off reviewing this Canadian-made “horror” film which was Sedaka’s first, last and only thespian effort.
Though Playgirl Killer, also released as Decoy for Terror with unrelated footage edited in, is close to So-Bad-It’s-Good territory Neil Sedaka doesn’t have a very big role in the film. If he’s your only reason for checking out this movie you can quit right after Neil’s character rides off in a limo. He does get to sing, though!
Taking things from the top, William Kerwin from blood-soaked Herschell Gordon Lewis flicks like Two Thousand Maniacs is our star. He plays serial killer Bill wearing facial hair that makes him resemble William Campbell as a Klingon on the original Star Trek series.
We see Bill in the Canadian wilderness rowing a beautiful young lady in a boat while the French song Montage is heard, performed by female singer Andree Champagne. Playgirl Killer was filmed in and around Quebec, hence the French language song and some French signs here and there.
Bill and his lovely lady pull up at a rock overlooking the lake and he starts trying to sketch her since he’s an artist. She’s not in the mood to sit still, though, and starts laughing at how bizarrely angry Bill gets about it.
Pssst! Bill! There are people called artist’s models who can be paid to sit still and let you paint them, buddy. Rather than pursue that common-sense solution, Bill grabs a handy harpoon gun (What the hell kind of fishing gets DONE at this lake?) and shoots her to death with it.
Two men witness the murder and Bill runs from them. A convenient cop passes by and starts pursuing our Playgirl Killer, too. All of this is presented in the hilariously watchable way of Psychotronic movies, especially a bit when Bill throws off his pursuers by hiding behind a gate and hears the cop needlessly say “He could only have gone this way” while running in the wrong direction.
We cut to the estate of a wealthy Canadian family. Neil Sedaka plays Bob, who is cavorting at poolside with his best girl Betty (Linda Christopher), one of the daughters of the wealthy homeowner. Betty is a sexy blonde in a bikini, but her horny boyfriend Bob shamelessly fixates on her sultry older sister Arlene played by her real-life sister Jean Christopher.
And when I say shamelessly, I mean shamelessly! Bob is lucky that Betty doesn’t kick him in the balls given how he slobbers all over Arlene, who loves rubbing it in her sister’s face that her beau is practically humping her leg.
Arlene takes off her bikini top and seductively asks Bob to rub suntan oil on her back. Betty doesn’t approve, but Bob is such a sleazeball he just plain doesn’t care and happily starts applying lotion to Arlene’s back.
Arlene remains in “Ain’t I a slut?” mode by cooing about how strong Bob’s hands are and similar flirting. Finally, Betty has had enough and storms off, followed by a stammering and apologetic Bob repeating “I was just trying to help out!” Right, Bob.
Cut to a teen party at the same poolside that night. Betty and a few dozen friends are frolicking at a co-ed get-together while J.B. and the Playboys perform their song Leave My Woman Alone. Next, Bob/ Neil Sedaka sings his dance hit Waterbug while looking like Liberace and dressed like a singing insurance salesman or something.
Bob again makes no effort to hide how entranced he is by Arlene when she shows up and we get a few horrifying shots of what must be Neil Sedaka’s “I’m getting an erection” face. He and Arlene oink and boink while poor Betty cries.
The next morning, Bob and Betty ride off in a limo to return to college, leaving Playgirl Killer Sedaka-free from this point on.
Our wandering murderer happens by the plush estate and the forever-horny Arlene vamps him into signing on as a handyman for a few days to help her “close up the house for the summer.” Although to be fair, Arlene even sways and shimmies like she’s trying to vamp trees and other inanimate objects during every scene, which comes across comically.
Eventually, while spending some down time with Arlene, our killer Bill starts spontaneously sketching her. Again, Bill proves he’s never heard of artist’s models by chewing out Arlene for not sitting still.
He explains to her that he’s obsessed with painting a picture that’s been haunting him since he helplessly watched a handful of girls drown while he was unable to save them. (And no, Phil Collins didn’t write that song about THIS incident, either.) Bill wants to paint a woman armed with a bow and arrow about to shoot some hidden menace to a few other ladies who are in the water.
It takes forever, but all of this leads to Bill strangling Arlene to death since no harpoon guns are on hand. If you can imagine!
We aren’t shown precisely what Bill does with Arlene’s corpse yet, but we can tell he’s hidden it in the mansion’s meat freezer. While he’s plotting his next move, Bill’s eye is caught by the classified ads in the day’s newspaper.
Okay, I thought to myself, he’s finally going to place an ad for a model and pay her to sit still while he completes his painting of the bow and arrow lady and the girls in the water. Nope. Instead, he places an ad for a “companion” for his supposedly handicapped sister, necessitating a lengthy Tall Tale to the woman who shows up in response to the ad.
This woman, Pat, gets suckered in by Bill’s transparently phony story. He slips knockout pills into her drink and starts sketching her when she passes out. When she comes to and starts moving, our star stabs her to death.
Next, Bill hits nightclubs in the nearest city. He catches Nikki (Andree Champagne) singing Montage, this movie’s opening song, this time live on stage. Afterward, he finally gets the idea to offer to pay her to model for him while he paints her.
About damn time, but even THIS gets screwed up by Bill because he takes too long and gets furious when Nikki asks for a break. Needless to say, she too winds up dead and in the meat locker like the others.
An unnamed female friend of Arlene’s drops by for a visit to the dead girl’s home and nearly becomes another victim of our Playgirl Killer. This friend – who is just as slinky and slutty as Arlene was – gets to see what Bill has done with his victims in the meat locker.
The ice-cold temperature has frozen the corpses in the poses he positioned them in – Arlene is in the role of the bow-wielding woman and has an arrow at the ready and aimed at the unknown figure menacing the other two ladies in the imaginary water, who are in poses of distress.
We viewers are supposed to be surprised that it turns out Bill is really the unknown figure menacing the ladies. This may or may not mean that he actually murdered the women he claimed he saw drowning years earlier. Your guess is as good as mine.
Bill winds up chasing Arlene’s nameless friend around the night-darkened grounds of the estate, recaptures her and ties her up in a room near the meat locker. He then catches some sleep (?).
Overnight, the power goes out from a storm even though the lights never go out in the film itself. You’ve heard of Day for Night shooting in bad movies? Well, think of this as Blackout in Broad Daylight shooting.
An obliging man from the power company wakes up Bill the next morning and explains why the power is out. Bill realizes that with no power the corpses in the meat locker will be thawing out. In a panic, he runs downstairs to find the ladies’ bodies moving out of position due to thawing while Power Company Guy finds and saves Arlene’s bound friend.
Bill is very upset that even in death his models are abandoning their poses and – in a hilariously unlikely finale – he happens to stand in front of the thawing out Arlene, whose loosened arm impossibly lets fly the arrow in a kill-shot at Bill. The End.
At any rate, Rest in Peace, Neil Sedaka! The world won’t soon forget your many hit songs.
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