BAD MOVIE PAGE – IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU WHAT WILL HORSES DO?

I’ve gotten e-mails requesting that I review this movie but I already did, last year. It’s been on my Bad Movie page but to make it easier to find (and to remind people that I have a Bad Movie page since I’ve been so busy on other subjects lately) here it is: For more Bad Movie reviews click here: https://glitternight.com/bad-movies/

IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU, WHAT WILL HORSES DO? (1971) – Category: A neglected bad movie classic that deserves a Plan 9-sized cult following    No, it’s not about Quentin Tarantino and pre-Castro Havana nightclubs (Thank you, I’m here all week!) it’s really a Cold War-era warning about what would happen if Communists took over the United States. It’s from Ron Ormond, best known for the bad movie classic Mesa Of Lost Women before he found religion and hooked up with the Rev Estus W Pirkle for films like this one.

Pirkle serves as the narrator of this quirky little mess, ranting on and on in his over-the-top way about how the USA has turned away from the Bible and will suffer the consequences. He’s like a combination of Criswell in Plan 9 and the sermonizing narrator from Blood Freak (qv). In one of his enjoyably bizarre tangents he also speaks out on the “evils” of dancing, which he calls ”The front door to adultery! What starts on the dance floor is expected to be finished later.” He even says dancing is “as immoral as it has always been”.

In the main part of our story we get treated to awkwardly staged scenes of atrocities perpetrated by the invading armies. These scenes are transcendently violent and are accompanied by so many amateur gore effects it’s like you’re watching “If Herschell Gordon Lewis had directed Red Dawn“. Lines of people are mowed down by machine guns (the film’s favorite method of extermination), eardrums are pierced with sharp sticks, inducing vomiting (talk about an extreme version of an emetic … but I kid) and children are taught to pray to Fidel Castro (I swear!). 

Plus Ormond recycles his nauseatingly repetitious sound track from Mesa Of Lost Women which adds to the outrageously campy feel, especially in the “overly amorous Commie and the housewife” scene. That same soundtrack was cadged by Ed Wood for his movie Jail Bait. Think of this film as a right-wing version of the imbecilic Michael Moore’s laughably propogandistic films that he pretends are documentaries.  And oh, yeah, the odd title comes from a Bible passage. This film provides a lot of fun for bad movie fans and is less than 70 minutes long so what’s the harm?   

FOR MY LOOK AT BLAXPLOITATION HORROR FILMS: https://glitternight.com/2011/10/26/a-very-blaxploitation-halloween/

FOR MY LIST OF THE TOP ELEVEN BAD MOVIES FOR HALLOWEEN: https://glitternight.com/2011/10/24/the-eleven-most-neglected-bad-movie-classics-for-halloween/

FOR MY LOOK AT MEXICAN HORROR FILMS CLICK HERE: https://glitternight.com/2011/10/31/a-halloween-mexi-monster-bestiary/  

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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12 Comments

Filed under Bad and weird movies

12 responses to “BAD MOVIE PAGE – IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU WHAT WILL HORSES DO?

  1. Don’t you just love how the West portrays Communism as the mother of all evils? The rejection of the ‘Red ideology’ is still as strong as ever over here, at a time when the much trumpeted democracy is, in fact, fading away to make room for a Big Brother-ish state.
    As one who’s got first-hand knowledge of Communism during the Eastern Bloc, I can tell you that it wasn’t that bad. No machine guns or bans on dancing, although you did get to see Fidel on TV once in a while.
    This might be worth watching…As you say, what’s the harm?

  2. Glad the review appealed to you! This movie makes me laugh so hard every time I see it. Quite a relic of the Cold War era. These days the anti-Capitalism and anti-American paranoia of the left-wing zealots makes me laugh just as hard as right-wing zealots’ ongoing belief that throwing an accusation of “Communism” or “socialism” at someone still means something.

  3. Just ordered a copy! Just checked out a few clips, suprised I haven’t seen it before, I love a good red scare film – still hoping that the Red Dawn remake will eventually make it out of production.

    • Always glad to spread the word about these things! Plus if you have spare time check out my Bad Movie page. Even other bad movie fans tell me I have an odd Rain Man way of finding weird ones they’ve never heard of. And I’m not just trying to sucker people into giving me hits – If I wanted to do that I would have a separate post for each movie instead of just one big page.
      That Red Dawn remake is redifining the term Production Hell. This has been dragging on forever. Remember when the Green Hornet movie was first being discussed in 1996? Greg Kinnear was slated to play the Hornet.

  4. Brooke

    LOL luved evry word of this especially blasting that fat clown Michael Moore.

    • Thanks! Glad you liked it! I don’t think anyone with an ounce of intelligence or maturity takes Michael Moore seriously- just conspiracy kooks and insecure people who think they sound “intellectual” if they praise his propoganda pieces.

  5. Pingback: THE EIGHT MOST NEGLECTED BAD MOVIES HERE AT BALLADEER’S BLOG | Balladeer's Blog

  6. Hi, We have paid for 2 months of letters and have not received any yet. How do I get that fixed?thanks

  7. Marquis

    Wierd wierd movie.

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