In honor of Presidents Day Weekend here’s my updated look at presidential pros and cons. The original was posted in 2012. It’s light-hearted and irreverent so presidents from all parties get insulted.
1. GEORGE WASHINGTON
Motto: “Screw taking a salary as a general, just bill ’em outrageously for your expenses!”
Nickname: The First Lady of Broadway
Pro: Established the precedent of stepping down after 2 terms max.
Con: Owned other human beings.
2. JOHN ADAMS
Motto: “A day without alienating someone is like a day without sunshine.”
Nickname: Boom-Boom
Pro: Was almost fanatically honest and never owned other human beings.
Con: Alienated nearly everyone except his wife Abigail.
3. THOMAS JEFFERSON
Motto: ”What’s with that painting where I look like Bea Arthur?”
Nickname: The Pompous Hypocrite
Pro: Never vetoed a single bill, preferring to defer to the will of the people’s elected representatives in Congress.
Con: Owned other human beings.
4. JAMES MADISON
Motto: “That’s me on the five thousand dollar bill, babe!”
Nickname: Dolly Madison’s Husband
Pro: Effectively handled the War of 1812 and other messes resulting from Jefferson’s bizarre policies.
Con: See Washington and Jefferson.
5. JAMES MONROE
Motto: “I’m sick of hearing about how John Quincy Adams was the real author of The Monroe Doctrine”
Nickname: The Furnituregate Mastermind
Pro: Bought Florida from Spain, ensuring America would have a long, phallic peninsula dangling off our mainland.
Con: Got elected president despite being a slave-owner from Virginia … hey, wait a minute!
6. JOHN QUINCY ADAMS
Motto: “No slaves, no tact, no problem!”
Nickname: Mr. Television
Pro: Was another rare example of an honest elected figure.
Con: Was just as adept as his father at alienating everyone around him.
7. ANDREW JACKSON
Motto: ”Loathing the British and Native Americans since the Revolutionary War!”
Nickname: Tricky Dick
Pro: Firmly kept the southern states in line during the Nullification Crisis.
Con: Owned other human beings and was the first president to veto bills just because he didn’t like them and not based on their constitutionality. This ugly tradition has continued ever since.
Martin Van Buren: Static electricity in action.
8. MARTIN VAN BUREN
Motto: ”Riding my association with Andrew Jackson right into the White House!”
Nickname: Martin Van Ruin (Seriously. This was a rare case where a real nickname was funny enough that no change was needed.)
Pro: Single-handedly added the expression “O.K.” to the national lexicon.
Con: Had one seriously Bad Hair Day for his presidential portrait.
9. WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON
Motto: ”Never overstay your welcome.”
Nickname: Bushitler
Pro: Tried to establish a tradition of presidents dying barely a month into their term.
Con: Delivered a two hour long inaugural address during an actual blizzard.
10. JOHN TYLER
Motto: “Because Tippecanoe and Tyler, too made for one kick- ass campaign slogan!”
Nickname: His Accidency (Again, the real nickname is funny enough to just go with it.)
Pro: Fought Congressional attempts at usurpation to firmly cement the precedent that a Vice President becomes a full president with all a president’s powers on the death of the incumbent President.
Con: Owned other human beings and later served in the Confederate States Congress during the Civil War.
11. JAMES K POLK
Motto: “You can’t spell polka without Polk!”
Nickname: Pimpin’ Polk
Pro: Kept his campaign promise to only serve one term since one of the issues he ran on was trying to limit presidents to just one term apiece.
Con: His association with Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson prompted his supporters to get people to call him by the awkward nickname “Young Hickory”. I’m serious.
12. ZACHARY TAYLOR
Motto: “The Compromise of 1850 will pass only over my dead body!”
Nickname: The Wall- Eyed Whig
Pro: Got tough with the ever- disgruntled southern states by threatening to veto the Compromise of 1850 (which he felt yielded too much to the Democrats’ demands to extend slavery) and warning them that if they seceded he would personally lead the army against them and hang any rebels he came across.
Con: Died from what some people consider a suspicious stomach ailment right before he could veto the Compromise of 1850. (Around 1990 his body was exhumed to see if he had been poisoned with arsenic.)
Fun Fact: Barbara Bush patterned her “look” after Millard Fillmore
13. MILLARD FILLMORE
Motto: “Don’t worry – probably not even his own family remembered he had ever been President!”
Nickname: The M.F. in the White House
Pro: Opened up trade with Japan.
Con: Went right ahead and signed the Compromise of 1850 after succeeding to the presidency upon Zachary Taylor’s untimely death. (I wonder what Abraham Zapruder’s ancestors were doing back then. I’m kidding!)
14. FRANKLIN PIERCE
Motto: “My wife Jane was every bit as crazy as Mary Lincoln!”
Nickname: Old What’s His Name
Pro: Was the first president to have a Christmas Tree in the White House.
Con: Tried to convince the northern and southern states to forget their differences and stand united against the threat of creeping Mormonism.
15. JAMES BUCHANAN
Motto: ”A president every bit as lousy as Barack Obama and George W. Bush!”
Nickname: The Man Who Lost Half The Country
Pro: Gave his name to the fictional high school on Welcome Back, Kotter.
Con: More states seceded from the Union under him than under any other president.
16. ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Motto: “The guy who put the ‘man’ in Great Emancipator!”
Nickname: Honest Injun
Pro: Guided the country through the Civil War and ensured that slavery would no longer be legal in the restored Union.
Con: His career as an aspiring theater critic was cut viciously short.
17. ANDREW JOHNSON
Motto: “Impeach THIS, you bastards!”
Nickname: J-Lo
Pro: His principled stand against a legislative branch that was overstepping its authority preserved the important defense mechanism of checks and balances in the separation of powers.
Con: May well have been drunk off his ass during his speech at Lincoln’s 2nd inauguration.
18. ULYSSES S. GRANT
Motto: ”Setting a standard of sleaze and corruption that would inspire the Harding and Obama administrations.”
Nickname: Gary “U.S.” Bonds
Pro: May have been simply too naive to realize what his appointees were up to.
Con: Let his cronies run the country like a Mafia bust- out operation.
Not pictured: Samuel Tilden
19. RUTHERFORD B HAYES
Motto: “When you’re fraudulently elected president you should show the good grace to step down after just one term.”
Nickname: Old 8 to 7 (Once again, the real nickname is funny enough to stand on its own.)
Pro: Was the first president to hold the White House Easter Egg roll.
Con: Samuel J. Tilden in all likelihood really won the disputed election of 1876 so Hayes should never have been in the White House at all. (Like George W. Bush and Joe Biden.)
20. JAMES GARFIELD
Motto: “What $5,000 bribe from those street- paving people?”
Nickname: Ol’ Blue Eyes
Pro: Was the first ambidextrous president and understood both Greek and Latin.
Con: Was assassinated by Charles Guiteau because Garfield refused to name him the American consul in Paris. I’m serious.
21. CHESTER A. ARTHUR
Motto: “Sometimes a sleazy, graft- grabbing politician turns out to have a heart of gold.”
Nickname: Chester the Molester (I’m kidding!)
Pro: Defied his corrupt patron Senator Roscoe Conkling and ran a mostly honest administration, even helping along Civil Service reform to drive party hacks out of many government positions.
Con: May have put the moves on the British ambassador’s 19 year old daughter Victoria in a celebrated incident.
22. GROVER CLEVELAND
Motto: “The answer to the trivia question ‘Who was the only 2- term U.S. president to serve those terms non- consecutively?” NOTE: Back in 2012 that was still accurate.
Nickname: The Round Mound of Rebound
Pro: Dared public disapproval by marrying his 21-year-old ward Frances Folsom while serving as president.
Con: This Democratic president actually said, “Though the people should support the government the government should never support the people.” You’re all heart, Grover.
23. BENJAMIN HARRISON
Motto: “What this country needs right now is a man whose grandfather was president barely a month before dying.”
Nickname: Baby McKee’s Grandfather
Pro: Was the president who first had the White House wired for electricity.
Con: His administration was slightly overshadowed by the press’ obsession with his terminally “cutesy” grandson, Baby McKee.
24. GROVER CLEVELAND, TERM TWO
Motto: “He’s back … deadlier and more powerful than ever before!”
Nickname: King of the Wild Frontier
Pro: Was 10 % doughier than in his first term.
Con: Came down harder on striking workers than some presidents come down on actual criminal behavior and called Eugene Debs “an enemy of the human race”.
25. WILLIAM MCKINLEY
Motto: “Whatever Ohio Political Machine Boss Mark Hanna thinks my motto should be.”
Nickname: McStudly
Pro: Tried to establish a tradition of campaigning from your own front porch.
Con: Got assassinated for an even dumber reason than Garfield. ( If you’re wondering, Leon Czolgosz shot McKinley, then shouted “I am an anarchist! I don’t believe in marriage, I believe in Free Love!” Take THAT, McKinley!)
26. THEODORE ROOSEVELT
Motto: “I love me some me!”
Nickname: LBJ
Pro: Once went eleven straight seconds thinking about something besides himself. Oh, and his anti-trust activities.
Con: That whole treatment of the Philippines after the Spanish-American War thing and the violence that followed in the undeclared war from 1899-1902.
27. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT
Motto: “I’d rather be serving as Chief Justice instead!”
Nickname: The Gangster of Love
Pro: After being president went on to be a very good Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
Con: Was military governor of the Philippines during part of McKinley and Roosevelt’s aforementioned ugly treatment of the inhabitants.
28. WOODROW WILSON
Motto: ” Hey, my League of Nations thing was no more impotent and corrupt than the United Nations has turned out to be!”
Nickname: Woody Dub
Pro: Defeated both the incumbent Taft and Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull Moose Party candidacy in the election of 1912 … Or maybe that should be a Con?
Con: Won reelection on the slogan “He kept us out of war” then got us involved in World War One anyway after getting reelected.
29. WARREN G. HARDING
Motto: ”You’ll never take me alive, coppers!”
Nickname: The Ohio Gang’s Lackey
Pro: Appointed former president Taft as one of the most capable Chief Justices in Supreme Court history.
Con: His crooked administration did everything but print counterfeit money in the White House basement and only his untimely death in office prevented the full truth of his cronies’ misdeeds from coming to light.
30. CALVIN COOLIDGE
Motto: “Absolute proof that the less a president does the better!”
Nickname: The Vermont Sex Machine
Pro: The full extent of his farewell address was ” Goodbye, I have had a very enjoyable time in Washington.”
Con: Thought it was just an amazing coincidence that some of the people scheduled to testify in the investigations of his predecessor’s administration kept committing suicide or dying unexpectedly.
31. HERBERT HOOVER
Motto: “Eternally grateful to Barack Obama for doing a possibly worse job on the economy than I did!”
Nickname: The Callous Fool
Pro: Fulfilled a little- known constitutional requirement that the 30th and 31st presidents MUST have alliterative names.
Con: Actually once tried to blame the Great Depression on unusual sunspot activity. I’m serious. He claimed that the sunspot activity caused the Dust Bowl and that a domino effect was unleashed from there.
32. FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT
Motto: “I’m handi- capable!”
Nickname: The Italian Stallion
Pro: Competently guided the nation through the Great Depression and World War Two and added a humane element to the practice of governing the nation.
Con: Violated the 2-term precedent until in his 4th term they literally pried the presidency from his cold, dead hands.
33. HARRY TRUMAN
Motto: “Get that corpse out of here so I can get to work!”
Nickname: Dewey’s Bitch
Pro: Fired the at best senile and at worst demented General Douglas MacArthur during the Korean War.
Con: Brought Boss Tom Pendergast’s attitude that graft for one’s appointees is a natural perk of elected office with him to the White House.
34. DWIGHT EISENHOWER
Character Type: Well-meaning but befuddled sitcom grandfather.
Military Service: World War One and World War Two
Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember, the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!)
Nickname: Uncle Milty
Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pastime.
Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.
35. JOHN F. KENNEDY
Character Type: Rich playboy who disdained both Liberals and Conservatives and played by his own rules.
Military Service: World War Two
Motto: “Thank God for television!”
Nickname: FDR
Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust both liberals and conservatives equally. I can’t praise that attitude highly enough given our present circumstances.
Con: I can’t find out what happened to this guy. Anybody hear anything?
36. LYNDON JOHNSON
Character Type: Sleazy J.R. Ewing wielding political power.
Military Service: Tiny, early sliver of World War Two before Franklin Roosevelt summoned him back to his Congressional seat.
Motto: “Hey, hey, LBJ, how many lies did you tell today?”
Nickname: Lucky Lindy/ The Eagle of the USA (Obviously I’m kidding!)
Pro: His handling of domestic issues has been sadly underappreciated.
Con: Once claimed that “Vietnam is like the Alamo” even though Vietnam was crawling with more people from Texas than the Alamo ever was. (Thank you! I’m here all week!)
37. RICHARD NIXON
Character Type: Sinister stalker on a police drama.
Military Service: World War Two
Motto: “You b******s stop that f*****g s**t about my c***-sucking administration and those m***********g b*****t lies about those c***s at the f*****g Watergate Building!”
Nickname: The Unindicted Co-Conspirator in Chief
Pro: Helped prolong comedian Rich Little’s career by a full decade at least.
Con: Was so emotionally unstable and insecure that he might have become a crazed loner type if he hadn’t gone into politics.
38. GERALD FORD
Character Type: Mister Bean if he was from Michigan.
Military Service: World War Two
Motto: “Huh?”
Nickname: The Black Moses of Soul
Pro: Provided much- needed comic relief to the country following the Nixon scandals.
Con: Lost to the ridiculous Jimmy Carter … JIMMY CARTER!
The confused, smiling face of utter ineptitude.
39. JIMMY CARTER
Character Type: Goober from The Andy Griffith Show and Hee Haw goes to the White House.
Military Service: U.S. Navy during Korean War period but was never sent to a War Zone.
Motto: “What Grant and Harding were to corruption Jimmy Carter was to incompetence.”
Nickname: The Global Village Idiot or The Once and Future National Embarrassment, take your pick. Sure, they’re kind of unwieldy but they capture Jimmy perfectly!
Pro: His every action went so hilariously wrong his term played like one long “Don’t let this happen to you” lesson for future presidents.
Con: Never met a dictator whose butt he didn’t immediately kiss, while implying other countries could learn a lot from said dictators.
40. RONALD REAGAN
Character Type: Chef Boy-Ardee.
Military Service: None, but seemed to think his movies counted.
Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouted mindless right- wing dogma.”
Nickname: The Boil on History’s Buttocks
Pro: Once starred in films with Errol Flynn.
Con: Was the very embodiment of the “Greed is good” 1980s.
GEORGE H.W. BUSH
Character Type: Persnickety bitch.
Military Service: World War Two
Motto: “If not for Ronald Reagan I’d never have been elected!”
Nickname: Ike
Pro: Unlike his predecessor, he actually knew what decade it was.
Con: His every word and deed were more annoying than fingernails on a chalkboard.
42. BILL CLINTON
Character Type: Sleazy southern sheriff.
Military Service: Raped and pillaged, but never as part of any official military unit.
Motto: “Don’t resign like that pussy Nixon did! Make ’em DRAG you out if they can!”
Nickname: Old Trailer Park Trash
Pro: Actually displayed some fundamental administrative competence.
Con: Used the office of the presidency as a get-rich- quick scheme.
43. GEORGE W. BUSH
Character Type: Pampered rich boy whose family’s money shields him from adverse consequences no matter how much damage he causes.
Military Service: National Guard (wink)
Motto: ”Criticism of my speaking abilities is like ducks off my back … or water we’ve all passed under the bridge, or something.”
Nickname: The Sage of Walden Pond
Pro: When I think of one I’ll get back to you.
Con: Completely squandered the general good will that many nations were willing to extend to the United States after the 9-11 attacks.
**** BARACK OBAMA IS OFFICIALLY THE WORST U.S. PRESIDENT IN HISTORY ****
The confused, uncomprehending face of utter incompetence.
44. BARACK OBAMA
Character Type: Spoiled only child whose parents overpraised him and shielded him from criticism, resulting in him falling to pieces and blaming others every time he realizes he’s inadequate.
Military Service: You have got to be kidding.
Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouted mindless left- wing dogma!”
Nickname: A tie between “The Condescender-in- Chief” and “The Tabula Rasa on Which the Sixties Generation Writes Their Presidential Fantasies”
Pro: He and his hopelessly embittered wife made as many stupid remarks as George W. Bush ever did and they’re all immortalized on Youtube!
Con: Simple- mindedly insisted on viewing the 21st century strictly in terms of the issues and conflicts of the 1960s because he had no ideas of his own.
45. DONALD TRUMP
Character Type: Non-politician, so not as scuzzy as other recent presidents. Think Richard Channing from Falcon Crest -ruthless but not entirely malevolent.
Military Service: His single-handed battle with America’s notoriously corrupt political system just might count.
Motto: “The clueless Republicans weren’t using their political party apparatus for anything useful so I decided to borrow it for awhile.”
Nickname: Agent Orange/ Prince Donald of Orange (Tie)
Pro: Is not Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Also, he kept Jeb Bush out of the Oval Office. And he’s done more for the working class and poor of all colors than any other president since FDR.
Con: Because he is so hated by the movers and shakers of America’s virtual Third World cesspool of politics and money we have to sit through minute-by-minute media blitzes about every single thing the man says and does.
46. JOE BIDEN was installed in the corrupt and tainted 2020 election but as of today the identity of those aides of Biden who were unconstitutionally exercising presidential power is unknown.
Character Type: Lifelong politician, corrupt graft-grabber, and grotesque little man who showered with his own daughter when she was a child per her own diary.
Military Service: Tall Tales about fighting black guys called Corn Pop.
Motto: “I’m the Big Guy – head of the Biden Crime Family!”
Nickname: Crooked Joe, Sleepy Joe and others.
Pro: Absolutely none.
Con: Was illegit and unfit. A dolt paraded before the cameras during his Banana Republic regime.
47. DONALD TRUMP, THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN
Character Type: Folk hero who defeated America’s cesspool of political and judicial corruption to return to the office he did not lose in 2020.
Military Service: Surviving violent Democrats attempts to assassinate him.
Motto: “Fight, fight, fight!”
Nickname: The greatest president for the working class and the poor in many of our lifetimes.
Pro: Received more votes than last time each of the three times he ran for president.
Con: His insane enemies are so unhinged 24/7 that it takes all the fun out of ever criticizing him. It feels more like cheap piling on no matter how presentable a target he is.
OKAY, IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT NOT EVERYBODY WILL AGREE WITH ALL OF THESE. THEY’RE JUST JOKES AND MY PERSONAL TAKES.
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