SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTATOR TWIGGY EXAMINES THE SURPLUS OF TEAMS CALLED WILDCATS

Meet Twiggy Denham, aka The Freak, from that quintessential cat lover’s blog Life With 4 Cats at WordPress (written by Twiggy’s mom Sara). Twiggy was pleased with the Guest Commentator spots done by fellow kitty-cats Tibbs, Oolong and Pekoe as well as by that debonair doggy from across the pond, George the Whippet. Since I’m deluged with all the basketball tournaments going on right now in the college divisions I cover Twiggy was kind enough to volunteer to help me out by bringing his freakish sensibilities to bear on the way college sports teams drastically overuse the nickname Wildcats.

Twiggy: What’s new, pussycat? Ha! I kill me! … Hey, am I alone in here? Where’s all the laughs? Peter O’Toole movie jokes usually kill. I’m too deep for my own good I guess. Anyway that Wazinski or Wozniak guy or whatever is letting me have this forum to address this whole Wildcats issue that is pretty much the talk of the kitty-cat world right now. Why so many teams called Wildcats? We cats are some of the most original creatures in the world and colleges seem to think that Tigers and  Wildcats are the only kinds of cats who exist. My esteemed colleagues Oolong and Pekoe tackled the tiger problem a few months back so I figured I would do some yeocat duty and set the college world straight about their criminal lack of imagination regarding the Wildcats nickname. I’m all about solutions so I’ll suggest alternate names for the teams in question. Here we go, y’all –

LINFIELD WILDCATS – Since all three of Meadowlark Lemon’s grandsons were playing football at once for this school a while back how about the Lemon-Cats? Or if you don’t like that how about playing on their locale in the Pacific Northwest and calling them the Grunge Cats? Or the Raincats? Ballsiest of all would be to take the fact that they play in McMinnville, OR and call them the McWildcats! It would be worth it just to see the juggernaut called the McDonald’s corporation bust a blood vessel and launch a lawsuit like they do every time anyone else uses “Mc” in a name! Fun for everyone!  

LOUISIANA COLLEGE WILDCATS – Now this one is just plain ridiculous! As colorful as Louisiana’s culture is they couldn’t come up with anything more imaginative than being the 1,212th team called Wildcats? C’mon, people! The Cajun Cats would be ideal, but I could even live with the Catfish or the Crawfish Kitties. If you want to get fancy how about the Caracals for that French touch? Who do I have to bribe (It IS Louisiana, after all. It’s a joke! Lighten up, people!) to get this team’s name changed?

FORT VALLEY STATE WILDCATS – FVSU was a land-grant university so the lame alternative might be the Landcats but a Freakmeister General like myself is much too creative to employ such a lazy solution! This school is in Georgia so how about the Peach Cats? I ruled out the Peach Pussies because of the snickering that name would inspire. And I’m talkin’ to YOU! So knock it off. We’re supposed to be adults here. Oh, who am I kidding? That’s damn funny! 

NORTHERN MICHIGAN WILDCATS – C’mon, with this school’s proximity to the Great Lakes how about the Fishing Cats, a little-known species of cat noted for their fishing abilities? Sure, they’re found mostly in India, but this is one kickass species of feline that deserves more pub. These bad boys don’t just scoop out fish with their paws, they are noted for DIVING INTO THE WATER and grabbing fish with their jaws! You talk about balls the size of the Taj Mahal! Fishing Cats are also known to prey on young deer, for Christ’s sake, probably just to show they can. I should drag a dead deer to my Mom’s porch just to see her reaction.

NORTH DAKOTA STATE COLLEGE OF SCIENCE WILDCATS – A school with a name that is such an unmanageable mouthful deserves a cooler nickname to make themselves better known. I suggest the Baycats, a species found only in Borneo. They are so rare that no pictures of a LIVING specimen are known to exist. How cool is that? Clever, elusive felines that know how to keep their distance from their intellectual inferiors, AKA humans. The perfect name for a school of clever science geeks who know how to keep their distance from sex partners. Again, it’s  a JOKE! Don’t get your slide-rules in an uproar! 

To wrap this baby up let me throw out a few quick names that many of the Wildcat teams should consider changing their names to:

Cheetahs: This would be perfect for a Division One team since they are full of cheaters! Cheaters … Cheetahs … get it? Of course you do.

Ocelots: If they were cool enough for Honey West they’re cool enough for a sports team.

And best of all, THE FIGHTING TWIGGIES! I am, of course, available to model for the mascot artwork for teams with that name and my Mom, who is also my agent, Sara,  will negotiate my royalties for me. Star Quality like mine doesn’t come cheap, y’know. Now back to that Washton or Wanstadt guy who normally writes this blog. Address my fan mail to me at my Mom’s blog – http://lifewith4cats.com/