THE BRETT FAVRE GUIDE TO DATING

Renaissance Man Brett Favre has many talents. He can hold teams hostage with his childish whims and his egomaniacal craving for flattery and cajoling… he can set new standards in the art of throwing interceptions even when you think his best years are behind him in that art form … he can get coaches fired with his prima donna antics even though his former teams the Packers and the Jets are in the playoffs and Bawlin’ Brett is stuck at home watching … but most especially Brett Favre can disgust and revolt women like nobody else can with his inimitable combination of moronic come- on lines and allegedly with his sophomorically suggestive text messages.  Yes, while many athletes get into trouble over their bedroom successes with the opposite sex the Ollll’ Interception Machine has gained notoriety for not being able to get to first base. The time seemed right to run with a look at a make-believe “advice for the lovelorn” column as penned by the presumably literate Mr. Turnover.

Dear Brett,

I’m a nineteen year old boy with a crush on this lady who sits near me in Philosophy class. I’m still kind of shy so I’m having trouble getting myself known to her. Do you have a suggestion for an ice-breaker?

Dork at Southern Miss

Dear Dork,

The line I would recommend is “Howzabout a lay, bimbo?” If she’s one of them stuck-up gals who expects to be called by name you may want to find out what it is first. It’s up to you, pard, but demanding snobs like that aren’t usually worth the trouble. 

Dear Mr Favre Sir,

I am a twenty-three year old woman who is having trouble getting her boyfriend to be appropriately romantic. We’ve been seeing each other for a long time now and I guess we’ve gotten too comfortable together or something. How do I let him know I’d still like special treatment now and then like when we were first dating or to dress up and go to a nice restaurant?

Curious Courtney

Courtney,

Whoooaaaa there, yer majesty! Skirts like you are what give ’em all a bad name! Sounds like you’ve been givin’ it up for quite a while now so you have no grounds to start gettin’ uppity at this point! If y’all ask me it seems like if your fella bothers to slow down so you can jump onto the back of his pickup truck when he picks you up he’s bein’ a regular gentleman considering he’s done had what he was after in the first place by now.   

Dear Brett,

I’ve tried everything I can think of to get my co-worker to notice me but she still doesn’t seem to know I exist. I’m at my wit’s end now. How can I get her to notice me before one of the other guys in the office asks her out?

Skittish in San Bernardino

Dear Skittish,

Gul-dang, boy, are you a bull or an ox? Grow a pair and get assertive! You need to let this little filly know what she’s in for if the two of you hook up! Tell her in the men’s room you’ve seen what yer competition has to offer and you come out top-dog all the way! Use a ruler if you have to if she pretends she don’t know what yer gettin’ at (They all like to put on airs like they don’t like us talkin’ like that but my Daddy used to call that “Playin’ hard to get”). And show her you’re a REAL man by invitin’ her to bring her mama along when you two do the beddy-bye hokey-pokey. If you think she’s marriageable material make it her sisters instead of her mama, but make sure she brings more than one along! A man’s gotta put his foot down right at the beginnin’!   

JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR THE REX RYAN GUIDE TO DATING!