STAR WARS EPISODE EIGHT SPOILERS

Not pictured: my secret source

Balladeer’s Blog has just learned some spoilers regarding the next Star Wars movie. My secret top-level source in the industry – and by the industry I mean the business – tells me that:

*** Episode Eight will feature TWO Death Stars!

*** Han Solo masters the Force as easily as everybody else can and comes back as a Force Ghost like Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda, etc.

*** Luke turns out to be Leia’s son instead of her brother!  

*** Rey is Luke’s REAL sister and was “the Other” referred to in The Empire Strikes Back. 

*** Snoke is really Snookie from Jersey Shore! 

*** Finn has been secretly programmed to carry out his own private version of Order 66. He kills Luke and Rey then reveals that he is a clone of Lando Calrissian.  

*** Kylo Ren’s voice changes as he finally hits puberty.

*** J.J. Abrams and Disney reveal that they will be more than happy to sell you dozens of NEW Expanded Universe novels to replace all the ones that have now been decreed non-canonical. You’ll need to read those novels to learn about C3PO’s arm and pretty much every single detail of what went on in the 30 years between Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakens. 

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