THE SPORTS WORLD’S MOST WANTED JERKS

The FBI has its most wanted felons list, Balladeer’s Blog has its Most Wanted Jerks list. Be warned! If you see these people in person DON’T TRY TO APPREHEND THEM YOURSELVES! Immediately contact Balladeer’s Blog and my crack team of marshalls will be on their way to take these jerks into custody.

OFFENDER: REX RYAN … WANTED FOR: INTENSE STUPIDITY AGGRAVATED BY FELONY  BUFFOONERY … Rex Ryan, son of the abrasive and unlikeable Buddy Ryan and inheritor of the title of  Don of the Ryan Family Jerk Empire, once again began gnawing at the ankles of Bill Belichick, the coach who owns him like a set of car keys. Ryan is wanted for blustering as if his Jets vs the New England Patriots Dynasty is some form of rivalry. Ryan gets much more attention than he deserves because sports broadcasters love a clown and Ryan is the antithesis of the laid back and professional coach he so obviously envies. Ryan is incapable of simple numbers association, like the significance of 45-3.  

Mel Kiper Jr with his hair as usual tied back into a severe bun.

OFFENDER: MEL KIPER, JR … WANTED FOR:  FELONY INACCURACIES COMPOUNDED BY REFUSAL TO OWN UP TO SAID INACCURACIES  … Kiper is not only WRONG every year with the overwhelming majority of his NFL Draft  predictions, he is COSMICALLY wrong with  them. Believe me, there’s a reason ESPN doesn’t do a post-mortem on how well their draft “expert” does each April. Compounding this is the obnoxious way Kiper acts as if he is speaking with unquestioned authority on what amount to just his own personal speculations. Mel made this week’s list because his network is already pushing his silly guesses down our throats NOW,  with the draft still 3 months away. Have some fun this year – keep track of Mel’s performance. If he gets 10 picks right in the 1st round of 32 picks it’s a good performance from him. I have no idea what ESPN thinks this pompous ass adds to their draft coverage. His Official Balladeer’s Blog Nickname is “The Mel Man” to commemorate that WONDERFUL time when it was pointed out on-the- air that Mel “Doesn’t know any more about (which players teams should pick) than my neighbor, and my neighbor’s a mailman!” Beautiful!

OFFENDER: CAM NEWTON … WANTED FOR: THEFT OF THE HEISMAN TROPHY … Let’s face it. We’re all basically counting down the days until Cam “The Scam” Newton probably has the Heisman stripped away from him or “willingly” turns it back in like Reggie Bush did. Should it tell all of us something that Auburn University declared Newton ineligible (a decision overturned by the NCAA in an unprecedented move)? Should we wonder if they know something more that hasn’t been released yet? Newton’s accomplices are the NCAA themselves for handing any and all athletes and their families the future excuse that “the player didn’t know what was going on” any time they want to work out a strategy for getting shopped around.   

OFFENDER: LEBRON JAMES … WANTED FOR: IMPERSONATING ROYALTY WITH AGGRAVATED CHILDISH TWEETING … Not only does The Lord Of No Rings consistently forget that Kobe Bryant is the REAL King, not him, but he also forgets HE STILL HASN’T WON ANYTHING! I tie LeBron for NBA Championships so I can speak as Lebron’s equal on this matter. Someone needs to remind The Big Ringless that Dwyane (I always feel like I should type “sic” when I spell his name the way he does) Wade is the one with a championship under his belt. And LeBron proved to have all the silly spitefulness of a 12 year old girl by gloating via Twitter about his former team’s plight. Oh, that LeBron! He’s such a bitch!