GERALD FORD RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO COACH THE MICHIGAN WOLVERINES

 The Michigan Wolverines football program, still mindlessly clinging to the late Bo Schembechler‘s words about having a Michigan man coach Michigan, have followed that outdated thinking to its logical conclusion and have raised ex-president and former Wolverines player Gerald Ford from the dead to be the team’s new coach. This after the team failed to land former Michigan player and new San Francisco 49’ers coach Jim Harbaugh as the replacement for outgoing coach Rich Rodriguez. Nobody denies that Rodriguez struggled but he certainly seemed to be turning things around, getting the Wolverines to their first bowl game during his tenure, but in the usual panicky way that college sports administrators handle things Michigan got rid of Rodriguez after their  thumping at the hands of Mississippi State on New Year‘s Day. Michigan is one of those Division 1 programs that carries around a sickening feeling of entitlement even though several big-name programs (like Alabama, Oklahoma,Nebraska, Notre Dame, Miami etc) have also had to deal with down years in the new landscape of college football. All of them have reacted the same way during those down times, hurriedly firing coaches who aren’t winning enough for delusional boosters and/or alumni who have been following football since around World War II and think it’s all a question of  “toughness”.    

Getting back to the late Mr Ford, I asked him how it felt to be the first “Metaphysically Challenged” Head Coach in Division 1 football:

“Well,” he replied, “I think you’re forgetting that Joe Paterno has been clinically dead since 2003, so he’s the true Jackie Robinson for us zombies in college football coaching. Although I do applaud what LSU’s Les Miles has been doing for the image of Clueless People In Coaching. Since Les is a former Michigan man I think the choice came down to him or me after Harbaugh fell through.”

I asked Coach Ford if he had any special insight into Michigan’s failed negotiations to land the currently-hot Jim Harbaugh.

“I understand the last words of Michigan’s A.D. to Harbaugh were ‘Please don’t make us beg.'” (Oh no he didn’t!)

Ford denied that he had been serving from beyond the grave as a consultant for the now 12-team Big Ten Conference, a possibility I only raised because this whole “Leaders” and “Legends” name for the new divisions seemed as incompetent and amateurish as anything from his presidential administration. Or Carter’s for that matter.

I closed by asking the coach what he had in mind for Wolverines football and he gave this candid reply:

“My first act will be to pardon Lloyd Carr for only winning one national championship since it’s one more than Bo ever won. I really think the alumni are delusional but are beginning to realize how good we had it under Carr. As for getting the big monkey off our backs by ending our losing streak to Ohio State, I plan to distribute “Whip The Sweater-Vest Now” buttons… I’m sure they’ll be every bit as successful as my Whip Inflation Now buttons were when I was President.”

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