Dateline, Chicago – A Lithuanian-American (name withheld to protect him from reprisals) was walking down the street in Chicago recently when a gang of thugs wearing hats and t-shirts advertising Empire, a television show starring Jussie Smollett (NOT a gag name) attacked him.
The unidentified thugs, apparently trying to beat the Lithuanian-American pride out of him, supposedly shouted pro-Empire slogans like “Seriously, homey, you should binge-watch Empire” and called it “Can’t-miss television” while pummeling their unfortunate victim.
Startlingly enough, it has come to light that, though the whiney, possibly lying Lithuanian-American claimed the attack and the slogans were overheard by his manager via his cell-phone, the Lithuanian-American refuses to provide his cell phone to prove his very shaky claims.
Reasonable people are doubting the event ever happened since no corroboration – NOT EVEN FROM SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE FROM THE TIME OF THE ATTACK – can support the outrageous claims made by the so-called “victim.”
Authorities seem to be suspecting that the entire complaint is false and various reasonable people might be thinking the whole thing was a hoax to score cheap political points and generate publicity for the Lithuanian-American.
A confidential source in the Chicago police department told a nonexistent Balladeer’s Blog reporter “This piece of shit may be lying about this, is what some of our officers might be thinking to themselves.”
The Lithuanian-American is accusing doubters of being “haters” and “Nazis” who suffer from Lithuaniphobia.
I know, right?