First, to recap last night’s action, here are the scores from conference tournaments in the NAIA and USCAA plus regional tournaments in the NCCAA and CCCAA.

APPALACHIAN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE (semis) – (1) TN Wesleyan Bulldogs over the (5) Virginia Intermont College Cobras  73-68  ***  (2) Reinhardt Eagles over the (3) Bluefield Rams  80-55 

CHICAGOLAND COLLEGIATE ATHLETIC CONFERENCE (semis) – (1) Cardinal Stritch Wolves over the (4) Holy Cross (IL) Saints  82-61  ***  (2) Calumet College Crimson Wave over the (6) PUC Peregrines  90-55 

KANSAS COLLEGIATE ATHLETIC CONFERENCE (quarters) – (6) Ottawa (KS) Braves UPSET the (3) Sterling Warriors  63-62  ***  (1) McPherson Bulldogs over the (8) Bethany Swedes  76-68  ***  (2) St Mary Spires over the (7) Friends Falcons  85-81  ***  (4) Tabor Blue Jays over the Southwestern College Moundbuilders  62-54

MORE TO COME IN A MOMENT  

 KOTOHIRA – The god of the Inland Sea, the location of which is indicated on the map to your right. (the rough translation of the words above the arrow would be “Here’s the Inland Sea … assholes”. ) This deity guarded over the entire Inland Sea and commanded all of the dragons inhabiting that body of water. He was also the patron god of navigators, fishermen and all commerce on the Inland Sea.

Kotohira’s main shrine is located on the site called Elephant Head Mountain, because of its shape. A complex of temples devoted to the god is still a major pilgrimage destination. Prior to the Meiji Restoration this deity was known as Konpira.

To recap last night’s action, the biggest upsets involved a couple of 7 seeds over 2 seeds as the Lourdes Gray Wolves toppled the defending champs of NAIA-2 basketball, the Cornerstone University Golden Eagles and the William Penn University Statesmen fell to the Grand View Vikings. This final insult to Cornerstone caps a very disappointing year defending their crown as they fell out of the rankings a few weeks ago and now suffering such an upset in the opening round of their conference tournament. Short of a miracle or a bribe to the selection committee their season is over. For that score and others read on:

CALIFORNIA PACIFIC CONFERENCE -  (5) Simpson Red Hawks UPSET the (4) Menlo Oaks  82-80  ***  (3) William Jessup Warriors over the (6) Pacific Union Pioneers  73-68

CASCADE COLLEGIATE CONFERENCE – (1) Oregon Tech Hustlin’ Owls over the (8) College of Idaho Coyotes  79-53  ***  (2) Northwest (WA) Eagles over the (7) Concordia (OR) Cavaliers  92-83  ***  (3) Warner Pacific Knights over the (6) Southern Oregon Raiders  82-78 (OT)  *** (4) Eastern Oregon Mountaineers over the (5) Corban Warriors  75-62 

GREAT PLAINS ATHLETIC CONFERENCE – (1) Dordt College Defenders over the (8) Concordia (NE) Bulldogs 78-57  ***  (2) Northwestern (IA) Red Raiders over the (7) Mt Marty Lancers  85-56  ***  (3) Briar Cliff Chargers over the (6) Nebraska Wesleyan University Prairie Wolves  51-41  ***  (4) Midland Warriors over the (5) Morningside Mustangs  58-57

MID-CENTRAL COLLEGIATE CONFERENCE – (1) Indiana Wesleyan Wildcats over the (8) Goshen Maple Leafs  74-66  ***  (2) Grace College Lancers over the (7) Taylor Trojans  76-53  ***  (3) Marian University Knights over the (6) Spring Arbor Cougars  72-52  ***  (4) St Francis (IN) Cougars over the (5) Huntington Foresters  67-66

MIDWEST COLLEGIATE CONFERENCE – (1) St Ambrose Fighting Bees (love that name) over the (8) Iowa Wesleyan Tigers  86-79  ***  (7) Grand View Vikings UPSET the (2) William Penn Statesmen  93-88 (Co-Upset of the Night)  ***  (6) Mt Mercy Mustangs UPSET the (3) Ashford Saints  77-74  ***  (5) Waldorf Warriors UPSET the Clarke Crusaders  76-70  *** 

W.H.A.C. – (7) Lourdes Gray Wolves UPSET the (2) Cornerstone Golden Eagles (defending NAIA-2 champs) 67-58 (UPSET OF THE NIGHT) ***  (6) Concordia (MI) Cardinals UPSET the (3) Madonna University Crusaders  79-65  ***  (1) Davenport Panthers over the (8) Siena Heights Saints  103-65  ***  (4) Indiana Tech Warriors over the (5) Aquinas Saints  75-64

CCCAA SoCal Tournament – (17) Imperial Valley College Arabs UPSET the (16) Hancock Bulldogs  79-72  ***  (18) Santa Monica Corsairs UPSET the (15) El Camino Warriors  82-77  ***  (19) Riverside Tigers UPSET the (14) LA Harbor Seahawks  67-55  ***  (13) Los Angeles Valley Monarchs over the (20) College of the Canyons Cougars  75-61  

CCCAA NorCal Tournament – (18) West Hills College Coalingas (love that name) UPSET the (15) Sacramento Panthers  66-60 (OT)  ***  (17) Contra Costa Comets UPSET the Mendocino Eagles  78-72

Feb 2nd, 1962 – For the first time in 400 years seven planets were to line up on this date. Astrologers in India believed that this would result in the destruction of the Earth. Millions gathered in constant prayer meetings to calm the anger of the gods.

Sacrifices were also offered up in the hope of averting the cataclysm. Thousands of marigolds were burned, 1 1/2 tons of pure butter was melted down and 250 Hindu holy men working in shifts recited the Hindu liturgy 4,800,000 times.

In Burma, even Prime Minister U Nu got in on the irrational activity, releasing 3 bullocks, 9 goats, 3 pigs, 60 hens, 120 doves, 60 ducks, 120 fish and 218 crabs, all in the cause of preventing the world’s destruction. Indian con artists made a bundle off the gullible masses by selling them special stones that would supposedly protect them from the impending disaster.

Naturally nothing happened, which in the world of irrational religious belief was distorted into a belief that all the prayers and sacrifices had succeeded in saving the world. Millions gave thanks for this “reprieve” from the hour of doom. I guess if they had only released 217 crabs instead of 218 the gods would have said, “Screw ‘em! Let the planet be destroyed”, but since they released a full 218, all was well and good.  

The NAIA’s California Maritime Academy Keelhaulers (logo at left) are the 1 seed in the California Pacific Conference tournament which will begin at 10:30pm ET. The Keelhaulers (love that name) went 19-9 in the regular season and if they get upset the 4th- seeded Menlo Oaks are my darkhorse pick to take the CPC title. 

First, to recap yesterday’s scores, conference by conference -

APPALACHIAN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE - (1) TWC Bulldogs over the (8) Union Bulldogs  66-59  ***   (5) Virginia Intermont Cobras upset the (4) Bryan Lions 72-70  ***  (3) Bluefield Rams over the (6) Montreat Cavaliers  93-58  ***  (2) Reinhardt Eagles over the (7) Milligan Buffaloes  63-54       

CHICAGOLAND COLLEGIATE ATHLETIC CONFERENCE – (6) Purdue- Calumet Peregrines upset the (3) Judson Eagles  76-71  ***  (1) Cardinal Stritch Wolves over the (8) Trinity International Trojans  79-66  ***  (4) Holy Cross (IL) Saints over the (5) Trinity Christian Trolls (love that name)  78-76 in OT  ***  (2) Calumet College Crimson Wave over the (7) PUNC Panthers  79-58  

THE SUN CONFERENCE – (5) Embry- Riddle Eagles upset the (4) Southeastern University Fire  93-87  ***  (3) Warner University Royals over the (6) Ave Maria Gyrenes  69-59  ***  (2) St Thomas (FL) Bobcats over the (7) Johnson & Wales Wildcats  85-59  *** (1) Northwood (FL) Seahawks over the (8) Webber International Warriors  106-84 

Balladeer’s Blog will once again offer updates on the race as it progresses, complete with each competitor’s Official Balladeer’s Blog Nickname. For instance in the photo at right is four-time Iditarod Champion Lance Mackey, known to my readers as “The Mad Musher”. Now over to Rosemary, after this reminder that the 2012 race will begin on March 4th.

Rosemary: Did you ever wonder what it would be like to be alone in the Alaska wilderness…just you and maybe 18 well-trained sled dogs pulling your sled?  Well, I have.  I have been a fan and a follower of the Iditarod Race since the early 1990s and since around 2004 I’ve been able to virtually experience the thrills and spills of the race; admire the fortitude of the mushers and the excitement of the competition; watch the well-trained dogs excitedly and happily travel the approximately 1,200 miles;  and enjoy the beauty of Alaska.  Every year they have an auction where you can actually take a ride with one of the mushers entered to compete in the ceremonial start to the race…usually the day before the actual start.  THAT is number one on my Bucket List.  Everything else on my list pales in comparison.

And the AAC is not the only conference getting February Frenzy rolling in earnest this evening. The America Mideast Conference will join the Sun Conference and the Chicagoland Collegiate Athletic Conference in tournament action tonight. Some of Balladeer’s Blog’s favorite teams, like the Trinity Christian Trolls, the Calumet College Crimson Wave, the Ave Maria University Gyrenes and the Southeastern University Fire, will all see action this evening.

One conference champion has already been crowned. On Saturday, Balladeer’s Blog’s pick of the Ohio Christian University Trailblazers to win the Ohio Collegiate Athletic Conference tournament came true. Most commentators were going with the UC-Clermont Cougars to take another title but I went against the grain and am shamelessly congratulating myself for it!

Tomorrow over a half dozen more conferences will start their tournaments so if you’re looking for college basketball games THAT MATTER, keep checking back for the latest results.

America's first Amish president. I'm kidding!

 23. BENJAMIN HARRISON – Motto: “What this country needs right now is a man whose grandfather was president  barely a month before dying.” *** Nickname: Baby McKee’s Grandfather *** Pro: Was the  president who first had the White House wired for electricity.  Con: His entire administration was overshadowed by the press’ obsession with his terminally “cute” grandson, Baby McKee. 

24. GROVER CLEVELAND, TERM 2 – Motto: “He’s back … deadlier and more powerful than ever before!” ***  Nickname: King of the Wild Frontier *** Pro: Was 10 % doughier than in his first term.  Con: Came down harder on striking workers than some presidents come down on actual criminal behavior and called Eugene Debs ”an enemy of the human race”. 

25. WILLIAM MCKINLEY – Motto: “Whatever Ohio Political Machine Boss Mark Hanna thinks my motto should be.” *** Nickname: McStudly *** Pro: Tried to establish a tradition of campaigning from your own front porch.  Con: Got assassinated for an even dumber reason than Garfield. ( If you’re wondering, Leon Czolgosz shot McKinley, then shouted “I am an anarchist! I don’t believe in marriage, I believe in Free Love!” Take THAT, McKinley! ) 

26. THEODORE ROOSEVELT – Motto: “I love me some me!” *** Nickname: LBJ *** Pro: Once went eleven straight seconds thinking about something besides himself.  Con: That whole treatment of the Philippines after the Spanish- American War thing. 

27. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT – Motto: “I’d rather be serving as Chief Justice instead!” *** Nickname: The Gangster of Love *** Pro: After being president went on to be a pretty good Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme  Court.  Con: Was military governor of the Philippines during a large part of McKinley and Roosevelt’s treatment of the inhabitants. 

28. WOODROW WILSON – Motto: ” Hey, my League of Nations thing was no more impotent and corrupt than the United Nations has turned out to be!” *** Nickname: Woody Dub *** Pro: Defeated both the incumbent Taft and Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull Moose Party candidacy in the election of 1912.  Con: Won reelection on the slogan “He kept us out of war” then got us involved in World War One anyway after getting reelected. 

29. WARREN G HARDING – Motto: ” You’ll never take me alive, coppers!” *** Nickname: The Ohio Gang’s Lackey *** Pro: Appointed former president Taft as one of the most capable Chief Justices in Supreme Court history.  Con: His crooked administration did everything but print counterfeit money in the White House basement and only his untimely death in office prevented the full truth of his cronies’ misdeeds from coming to light.

30. CALVIN COOLIDGE – Motto: “Absolute proof that the less a president does the better!” *** Nickname: The Vermont Sex Machine *** Pro: The full extent of his farewell address was ” Goodbye, I have had a very enjoyable time in Washington.” I’m serious. Con: Thought it was just an amazing coincidence that some of the people scheduled to testify in the investigations of his predecessor’s administration kept committing suicide or dying unexpectedly.  

The 20th Century Barack Obama

  31. HERBERT HOOVER – Motto: “Eternally grateful to Barack Obama for doing a possibly worse job on the economy than I did!” *** Nickname: The Callous Fool *** Pro: Fulfilled a little- known constitutional requirement that the 30th and 31st presidents MUST have alliterative names.  Con: Actually once tried to blame the Great Depression on unusual sunspot activity.

32. FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT – Motto: “I’m handi- capable!” *** Nickname: The Italian Stallion *** Pro: Competently guided the nation through the Great Depression and added a humane element to the practice of governing the nation.  Con: Violated the 2 term precedent until in his 4th term they literally pried the presidency from his cold, dead hands.

33. HARRY TRUMAN – Motto: “Get that corpse out of here so I can get to work!” (I’m kidding!) *** Nickname: Dewey’s Bitch *** Pro: Fired the at best senile and at worst demented General Douglas MacArthur during the Korean War.  Con: Brought Boss Tom Pendergast’s attitude that graft is a natural perk of elected office with him to the White House.

34. DWIGHT EISENHOWER – Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember, the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!) *** Nickname: Uncle Milty *** Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pasttime.  Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.

35. JOHN F KENNEDY – Motto: “Thank God for television!” *** Nickname: FDR *** Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust liberals and conservatives equally.  Con: I can’t find out what happened to this guy. Anybody hear anything? 

36. LYNDON JOHNSON – Motto: “Hey, hey, LBJ, how many lies did you tell today?” *** Nickname: Lucky Lindy/ The Eagle of the USA  (interchangeable)  *** Pro: His handling of domestic issues has been sadly underappreciated.  Con: Once claimed that “Vietnam is like the Alamo” even though Vietnam was crawling with more people from Texas than the Alamo ever was. (Thank you! I’m here all week!) 

37. RICHARD NIXON – Motto: “You b******s stop that f*****g s**t about my c***-sucking administration and those m***********g b*****t lies about those c***s at the f*****g Watergate Building!” *** Nickname: The Unindicted Co-Conspirator In Chief *** Pro: Helped prolong comedian Rich Little’s career by a full decade at least.  Con: Was so emotionally unstable and insecure that he might have become a crazed loner/ serial killer type if he hadn’t gone into politics. 

38. GERALD FORD – Motto: “Huh?” *** Nickname: The Moses of Soul *** Pro: Provided much- needed comic relief to the country following the Nixon scandals.  Con: Lost to Jimmy Carter … JIMMY CARTER! 

The confused, smiling face of utter ineptitude.

  39. JIMMY CARTER – Motto: “What Grant and Harding were to corruption Jimmy Carter was to incompetence.” *** Nickname: The Global Village Idiot. Sure, it’s kind of unwieldy but it captures Jimmy perfectly! *** Pro: His every action went so hilariously wrong his term played like one long “Don’t let this happen to you” lesson for future presidents.  Con: Never met a dictator whose butt he didn’t immediately kiss, while implying other countries could learn a lot from said dictators.

40. RONALD REAGAN – Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouted mindless right- wing dogma.” *** Nickname: The Boil On History’s Buttocks *** Pro: Once starred in films with Errol Flynn.  Con: Was the very embodiment of the “Greed is good” 1980′s. 

41. GEORGE H.W. BUSH – Motto: ” If not for Ronald Reagan he’d never have been elected!” *** Nickname: Ike *** Pro: Unlike his predecessor, he actually knew what decade it was. *** Con: His every word and deed was more annoying than fingernails on a chalkboard.

42. BILL CLINTON – Motto: “Don’t resign like that pussy Nixon did! Make ‘em DRAG you out if they can!” *** Nickname: Old Trailer Park Trash *** Pro: Actually displayed some fundamental administrative competence.  Con: Used the institution of the presidency as a get-rich- quick scheme.  

43. GEORGE W. BUSH – Motto: ” Criticism of my speaking abilities is like ducks off my back … or water we’ve all passed under the bridge, or something.” *** Nickname: The Sage of Walden Pond *** Pro: When I think of one I’ll get back to you.  Con: Completely squandered the general good will that many nations were willing to extend to the United States after the 9-11 attacks. 

44. BARACK OBAMA – Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouts mindless left- wing dogma!” *** Nickname: A tie between ”The Condescender-In- Chief” and “The Tabula Rasa On Which The Sixties Generation Writes Their Presidential Fantasies” *** Pro: He and his hopelessly embittered wife have made as many stupid remarks as George W Bush ever did and they’re all immortalized on Youtube!  Con: Simple- mindedly insists on viewing the 21st century strictly in terms of the issues and conflicts of the 1960′s because he has no ideas of his own. 

Well, there you go! Now liberal zombies can accuse me of being a conservative and conservative zombies can accuse me of being a liberal! What a strange thing the American political scene has become thanks to uncompromising partisan zealots. Anyway, enjoy this holiday dedicated to a long line of people who abused the public trust while feathering their own nests and lecturing their constituents about living up to a moral and ethical code they constantly violated themselves!

FOR PART ONE – WASHINGTON TO CLEVELAND, ROUND ONE, CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons/ 

AND FOR MORE OF MY TAKES ON MINDLESS LIBERALS AND MINDLESS CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

NUMBER 1 TAKES A FALL – On senior night for the CORBAN WARRIORS, the team made history by upsetting NAIA-2′s top- ranked OREGON TECH HUSTLIN’ OWLS in a 90-79 shocker. This was the first time Corban has defeated a number 1 team at home. Oddly, in 2003 when the Warriors won on the road in the program’s first ever win over a top- ranked team it was ALSO against Oregon Tech, who was undefeated at that time. The Hustlin’ Owls retain their top seed for the Cascade Collegiate Conference tournament, which tips off this Wednesday.  

NUMBER 3 TAKES A FALL – The 3rd- ranked team in NAIA-1, the ROBERT MORRIS (IL) EAGLES, were upset at home by the unranked OLIVET NAZARENE TIGERS yesterday by a score of 95-85. It’s always an event here at Balladeer’s Blog when a team with the incredibly overused name Eagles gets defeated … the bad news here is that they lost to a team with the equally overused nickname Tigers.

TOP 25 UPSETS – NAIA-1 – The CUMBERLAND BULLDOGS took down the number 6 MARTIN METHODIST REDHAWKS in their own house in a 76-73 Instant Classic *** The 19th- ranked LSU- SHREVEPORT PILOTS (as in riverboat pilots) were toppled by the new giant- killers, the SOUTHWESTERN ASSEMBLIES OF GOD LIONS in a 64-59 affair ***

TOP 25 UPSETS – NCAA DIVISION 3 – The homestanding EAU CLAIRE BLUGOLDS upset the 12th- ranked STEVEN’S POINT POINTERS in a 77-58 slapdown *** The (14) TRANSYLVANIA (KY) PIONEERS got a stake though the heart from the BLUFFTON BEAVERS 83-65 *** The (23) RANDOLPH- MACON YELLOW JACKETS lost on the road to the HAMPDEN- SYDNEY TIGERS 79-71 in a battle of hyphenated institutions. Don’t laugh. There are probably people who follow stats on how sertain teams fare against schools with hyphenated names.   

GRENADIERS TAKE CONFERENCE TITLE AGAIN – The (17) INDIANA UNIVERSITY- SOUTHEAST GRENADIERS have won their 5th straight KIAC regular season title after topping the (11) INDIANA EAST RED WOLVES in a battle of cool- named teams. 94-73 was the final tally in this authoritative win that keeps the tradition of Grenadiers hoops supremacy rolling along in the KIAC.  

TIGHT ONE FOR THE CRIMSON STORM – The 23rd- ranked SOUTHERN NAZARENE UNIVERSITY CRIMSON STORM survived a tight home stand against the OKLAHOMA CHRISTIAN EAGLES. The final score in this Instant Classic was 60-59.

25-5 – The (18) JAMESTOWN COLLEGE JIMMIES closed out their regular season with a 64-53 victory over the DICKINSON BLUE HAWKS. The Jimmies end the season with a 25-5 record and next play in the AII tournament that tips off February 24th.

MACCABEE REVOLT II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO – The YESHIVA MACCABEES took down the SAGE GATORS in a very tight and hard- fought 50-49 roundball tussle.

ALL-NAME GAME OF THE WEEK – This week that honor goes to the game between the HEIDELBERG STUDENT PRINCES and the MT UNION PURPLE RAIDERS. The Student Princes fell in overtime 91-89 in this game for the ages.

(1) SHORTER HAWKS over the BREWTON- PARKER BARONS  90-63 *** (2) OKLAHOMA BAPTIST BISON over the WAYLAND BAPTIST PIONEERS  73-61 *** (5) ROGERS STATE HILLCATS over the MIDAMERICA CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY EVANGELS 98-69 *** (9) MOUNTAIN STATE COUGARS took down the homestanding (14) LEE FLAMES in an 83-82 game for the ages *** (17) AZUSA PACIFIC COUGARS over the SAN DIEGO CHRISTIAN EAGLES 82-76 *** (21) MNU PIONEERS defeated the VSC VIKINGS 80-63 *** (22) MSUN LIGHTS over the CC FIGHTING SAINTS 79-71 *** (25) XAVIER (LA) GOLD RUSH topped the EDWARD WATERS TIGERS 68-57. 

MORE TO COME IN A MOMENT …       

Fun Fact: Barbara Bush patterned her "look" after Millard Fillmore

 In honor of the President’s Day Holiday weekend Balladeer’s Blog will present some of my quick takes on each of the 44 men who have stayed one step ahead of the law while occupying the Oval Office.

1. GEORGE WASHINGTON – Motto – “Did you know I turned down a salary as Commander In Chief during the Revolutionary War? Well did you?”  *** Nickname: The First Lady of Broadway *** Pro: Established the precedent of stepping down after 2 terms max.  Con: Owned other human beings.

2. JOHN ADAMS – Motto – ” A day without alienating someone is like a day without sunshine.” *** Nickname: Boom-Boom *** Pro: Was almost fanatically honest.  Con: Alienated nearly everyone except his wife Abigail.

3. THOMAS JEFFERSON – Motto: ” What’s with that painting where I look like Bea Arthur?” *** Nickname: The Pompous Hypocrite *** Pro: Never vetoed a single bill, deferring to the will of the people’s representatives.  Con: Owned other human beings.

4. JAMES MADISON – Motto: “That’s me on the five thousand dollar bill, babe!” *** Nickname: Dolly Madison’s Husband *** Pro: Effectively handled the War of 1812 and other messes resulting from Jefferson’s bizarre policies.  Con: Owned other human beings.

5. JAMES MONROE – Motto: “I’m sick of hearing about how John Quincy Adams was the real author of The Monroe Doctrine” *** Nickname: The Furnituregate Mastermind *** Pro: Bought Florida from Spain, ensuring America would have a long, phallic peninsula dangling off our mainland.  Con: See Washington, Jefferson and Madison.  

6. JOHN QUINCY ADAMS – Motto: “No slaves, no tact, no problem!” *** Nickname: Mr Television *** Pro: Was another rare example of an honest elected figure.  Con: Was just as adept as his father at alienating everyone around him.

7. ANDREW JACKSON – Motto: ” Loathing the British and Native Americans since the Revolutionary War!” *** Nickname: Tricky Dick *** Pro: Firmly kept the southern states in line during the Nullification Crisis.  Con: Owned other human beings. 

8. MARTIN VAN BUREN – Motto: “ Riding my association with Andrew Jackson right into the Oval Office” *** Nickname: Martin Van Ruin (Seriously. This was a rare case where a real nickname was funny enough that no change was needed) *** Pro: Single-handedly added the expression “O.K.” to the national lexicon.  Con: Had one seriously Bad Hair Day for his presidential portrait. 

Martin Van Buren: Static electricity in action.

   9. WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON – Motto: ” Never overstay your welcome.” *** Nickname: Bushitler *** Pro: Tried to establish a tradition of presidents dying barely a month into their term.  Con: Delivered a two hour long inaugural address during an actual blizzard.

10. JOHN TYLER – Motto: “Because Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too made for one kick- ass campaign slogan!” *** Nickname: His Accidency (Again, funny enough to just go with it) *** Pro: Fought Congressional attempts at usurpation to establish the precedent that a Vice President becomes a full president with all a president’s powers on the death of the incumbent President.  Con: Owned other human beings and later served in the Confederate States Congress during the Civil War.

11. JAMES K POLK – Motto: “You can’t spell polka without Polk!” *** Nickname: Pimpin’ Polk *** Pro: Kept his campaign promise to only serve one term since one of the issues he ran on was trying to limit presidents to just one term apiece.  Con: His association with Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson prompted his supporters to try to get people to call him by the awkward nickname “Young Hickory”. I’m serious. 

12. ZACHARY TAYLOR: Motto: “The Compromise of 1850 will pass only over my dead body!” *** Nickname: The Wall- Eyed Whig *** Pro: Got tough with the ever- disgruntled southern states by threatening to veto the Compromise of 1850 (which he felt yielded too much to southern demands to extend slavery) and warning them that if they seceded he would personally lead the army against them and hang any rebels he came across.  Con: Died from what some people consider a suspicious stomach ailment right before he could veto the Compromise of 1850.  

13. MILLARD FILLMORE – Motto: “Don’t worry – not even his own family remembered he had ever been President!” *** Nickname: The M.F. in the White House *** Pro: Opened up trade with Japan  Con: Went right ahead and signed the Compromise of 1850 after succeeding to the presidency upon Zachary Taylor’s untimely death. (I wonder what Abraham Zapruder’s ancestors were doing back then. I’m kidding!) 

14. FRANKLIN PIERCE – Motto: “My wife Jane was every bit as crazy as Mary Lincoln!” *** Nickname: Old What’s His Name *** Pro: Was the first president to have a Christmas Tree in the White House.  Con: Tried to convince the northern and southern states to forget their differences and stand united against the threat of creeping Mormonism. 

15. JAMES BUCHANAN – Motto: ” A president every bit as lousy as Barack Obama and George W Bush!” *** Nickname: The Man Who Lost Half The Country *** Pro: Gave his name to the fictional high school on Welcome Back, Kotter.  Con: More states seceded from the Union under him than under any other president. 

16. ABRAHAM LINCOLN – Motto: “The guy who put the ’man’ in Great Emancipator!” *** Nickname: Honest Injun *** Pro: Guided the country through the Civil War and ensured that slavery would no longer be legal in the restored Union.  Con: His career as an aspiring theater critic was cut viciously short. 

17. ANDREW JOHNSON – Motto: “Impeach THIS, you bastards!” *** Nickname: J-Lo *** Pro: His principled stand against a legislative branch that was overstepping its authority preserved the important defense mechanism of checks and balances in the separation of powers.  Con: May well have been drunk during his speech at Lincoln’s 2nd inauguration. 

Not pictured: Samuel Tilden

  18. ULYSSES S GRANT – Motto: ” Setting a standard of sleaze and corruption that would inspire the Harding and Obama administrations.” *** Nickname: Gary “U.S.” Bonds *** Pro: May have been simply too naive to realize what his appointees were up to.  Con: Let his cronies run the country like a Mafia bust- out operation.

19. RUTHERFORD B HAYES – Motto: “When you’re fraudulently elected president you should show the good grace to step down after just one term.” *** Nickname: Old 8 to 7 (Again, the real nickname is funny enough to stand on its own) *** Pro: Was the first president to hold the White House Easter Egg roll.  Con: Samuel J Tilden in all likelihood really won the disputed election of 1876 so Hayes should never have been in the White House at all. 

20. JAMES GARFIELD – Motto: “What $5,000 bribe from those street- paving people?” *** Nickname: Ol’ Blue Eyes *** Pro: Was the first ambidextrous president and could speak both Greek and Latin.  Con: Was assassinated by Charles Guiteau because Garfield refused to name him the American consul in Paris. I’m serious.  

21. CHESTER A ARTHUR – Motto: “Sometimes a sleazy, graft- grabbing politician turns out to have a heart of gold.” *** Nickname: Chester the Molestor (I’m kidding!) *** Pro: Defied his corrupt patron Senator Roscoe Conkling and ran a mostly honest administration, even helping along Civil Service reform to drive party hacks out of many government positions.  Con: May have put the moves on the British ambassador’s 19 year old daughter Victoria in a celebrated incident. 

22. GROVER CLEVELAND – Motto: “The answer to the Trivial Pursuit question ‘Who was the only 2- term U.S. president to serve those terms non- consecutively?” *** Nickname: The Round Mound of Rebound *** Pro: Defied public disapproval and married his 21 year old ward Frances Folsom while serving as president.  Con: This Democratic president actually said ”Though the people should support the government the government should never support the people.” 

FOR PART II, WHERE I COVER BENJAMIN HARRISON TO OBAMA, CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons-part-2-harrison-to-obama/

AND FOR MORE OF MY TAKES ON MINDLESS LIBERALS AND MINDLESS CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.