Yes, in the spirit of Sister Wives and Mob Wives, it’s We Married A Madman, a Pakistani- produced reality tv show following life from the point of view of the late Osama Bin Laden’s wives. Early reports indicate this is why the Pakistanis were less than cooperative with U.S. military and intelligence personnel about Bin Laden’s whereabouts. A raid would have spoiled production of this guaranteed ratings blockbuster. A highly- placed Pakistani source confirmed this for me recently. 

“There we were, finally poised to get our piece of the reality tv pie”, he bemoaned, “when those damn Navy Seals come in and spoil everything! It’s just another example of American Imperialism and cowboy diplomacy!” 

Like all reality shows, the program was going to focus on uncomfortable, ugly confrontations and arguments (I’ve always felt the motto for all reality tv shows should be “As awkward and boring as real life”), the centerpiece of which was going to be a knock- down drag- out fight between two wives over whose turn it was to de-louse Osama’s beard.

Another of the program’s main selling points was going to be the wives’ insights to “the man behind the massacres” and his outdated, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic worldview. Some of the nuggets:

Osama’s biggest pet peeve: “Holocaust documentaries that come without a laugh track.”

Favorite snack: “Bacon wrapped around sausage, Homer Simpson style.”

On if there is even one Jewish person he would allow to live: “Adam Sandler. He loved him!”  (That figures)

On the sex-lives of woman- hating, mass- murdering Jihadists: “Osama hadn’t been able to get it up for anything except pictures of little boys from the JC Penney catalog in about 20 years.”

On his favorite recreational activity: “Dressing up like Dean Martin and swinging down a pole with all of us dressed up as The Golddiggers.”  (Wow, he WAS old!)

On their real feelings about him: “We always thought that demented fool was far- gone on drugs or something. He hated the Americans for having gay rights, reproductive freedom, equal rights for women and separation of church and state. He caused the entire Muslim world more heartache and sorrow than anyone else probably ever could. His entire life was a failure.”

On the 9-11 attacks: “He was always complaining about how he did all that planning and one of his stupid ideas finally worked, yet so many people in the world are such imbeciles they actually think the American government staged the attacks themselves!”

On kicking back after a hard day of advocating the death of every man, woman and child who didn’t want to live as if it was centuries ago: “Osama would slam down some booze, then set a Koran on fire so he could light up a stogie like George Burns, whom he babysat, by the way.”

On his hand-picked successor as Al Quaeda’s leader: “He always dreamed of having his propoganda minister Michael Moore succeed him. Michael was the only man who hated Americans more than he did.”

Despite the world-wide spoiler about how the final episode ends, this should be a riveting, entertaining program! Watch for it soon, on OWN!

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.               

It’s no coincidence that those other outfits are the ones who have broken every major sports scandal in recent years. ESPN is too thoroughly in bed with the executives in college and professional sports to want to damage their “product” by doing REAL investigative reporting. Here’s Balladeer’s Blog’s evaluation of the sports publicists who do on-air work at “the worldwide leader in suckup”. 

Not pictured: Colin Cowherd

  1. COLIN COWHERD – With the departure of Jim Rome to the cable outfit called CBS College Sports Cowherd gets the top spot by default. Colin towers over all the other on- air staff at ESPN by virtue of the fact that he has a life outside of sports and therefore doesn’t feel that winning games excuses criminal behavior like his colleagues do.

Cowherd also rejects the journalistic pretensions of the other ESPN sports publicists and repeatedly states that he considers his employer to be in the entertainment business, not the news business. Like all broadcasters his age his sense of humor is basically imitation David Letterman from the 80′s and 90′s but that’s a plus given the inherent absurdities of covering spoiled, semi-literate professional athletes.

Balladeer’s Blog’s Evaluation: Colin’s a pompous snob and a hopeless frontrunner but he’s the only ESPN broadcaster worth following on a regular basis.

Harder hitting than Mike and Mike

 2. MIKE AND MIKE IN THE MORNING – “They’re back and more butt- kissing than ever” to paraphrase the famous opening of the duo’s radio show. Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic redefine the expression “jock sniffers” with the way they figuratively drop to their knees and pucker up for every athlete who appears on their program.

The two Mikes squirm with such delight at the thrill of meeting these sports figures and are so toadying in their interviews with them that their show is like a Sammy Maudlin Show sketch from SCTV. Greenberg falls all over himself to describe how wonderful and talented he thinks the guests are and Golic falls all over himself just trying to complete a coherent sentence.

Golic’s gaffes are as legendary as his incessant plugs for his alma mater Notre Dame. My personal favorite came when he delivered a rare news break-in by announcing that Colin Powell had “re- SIGNED” as Secretary of State, as if Powell was a professional athlete whose contract had just been extended. In reality Powell had resigned from his position.

Balladeer’s Blog’s Evaluation: Mike and Mike’s butt-slurping fest is only worth listening to for laughs when the other drive-time sports radio show in your area is advertising.

Russillo’s hair-style is widely imitated

 3. RYEN RUSSILLO – Russillo is best- known as the guy who hosts The Scott Van Pelt Show on those 300 or so days of the year when Van Pelt is off covering other events. It’s hard to tell if Russillo’s nasty, mean- spirited approach to sports coverage is a result of bitterness over the show STILL not having his name in the title despite the fact that he’s there far more often than Van Pelt or if he’s just naturally a jerk.

Mike and Mike are at least amiable jock- sniffers, but Russillo is a prickish jock- sniffer who openly sides with athletes against fans, administrators and even law enforcement personnel. Ryen (who spells his first name in such a way that you feel like you should type “sic” after it every time) is very harsh and cruelly insulting to fans who get fed up with athletes for battering women and other offenses.

That’s why I’ve never hesitated to point out the hilarious way he tries to hold his head on the SVP Show’s television simulcast at very odd angles to try to hide his enormous and ever-expanding Friar Tuck bald spot. The funniest example came when he appeared on Sports Nation, walking across the set to greet host Michelle Beadle but carrying his body at a ridiculous crab-walk angle to prevent his bald spot from showing up on camera. 

Balladeer’s Blog’s Evaluation: When Scott Van Pelt’s not there to contain and lighten Russillo’s bitterness and hostility avoid at all costs.

An apt metaphor for Around the Horn

  4. TONY REALI – Reali is sort of ESPN’s version of the oily and sleazy child of privilege Peter Campbell from the AMC series Mad Men. He’s like a little dog nipping at the ankles of the much more talented and accomplished figures he gets to interact with on Around the Horn and its predecessor Pardon the Interruption.

Reali first gained a degree of fame as the stat-checker on PTI, where he got to roam the internet and correct statements made by Mike Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser. He and Kornheiser pointlessly taunted the venerable Wilbon so often that I wished Stephen A Smith would sit in for Mike Wilbon just once to see him slap down Reali in a way that Wilbon was too polite and professional to do.

Reali carried his tendency to feel threatened by well-spoken and capable African Americans with him when he replaced Max Kellerman as the host of Around the Horn. He had trouble getting along with  Michael Smith the same way he had trouble relating to Wilbon. Reali’s role on Around the Horn is to award points and pointlessly interrupt the arguments being made by the actual sports reporters on the show by “muting” them.

Reali oddly got away with expanding the Game Show Host role he filled on ATH over to PTI, getting to sit in judgement and decide who “won” more and more of the discussion segments between Kornheiser and Wilbon. In a tense and memorable moment Mike Wilbon uncharacteristically lost his cool and put Reali back in line by reminding him “there is nobody named Mariotti on this show” (a reference to former ATH regular Jay Mariotti).

Balladeer’s Blog’s Evaluation: Trying to watch Reali is like watching an athlete who is the coach’s son make the first team while more capable athletes sit on the bench. 

QUICK TAKES: 

Kiper or someone’s grandma? You be the judge.

  MEL KIPER - Kiper is the NFL draft prognosticator for ESPN and is living proof that weather forecasters aren’t the most frequently wrong people in the world. Pompous as Howard Cosell and as persnickety as a grandmother Kiper acts like he IS the final word on which NFL team will draft each player. 

In reality he is so notoriously wrong that a popular feature on various non- ESPN sports outlets after each NFL draft is to compare Kiper’s hilariously confident predictions with the actual results. Kiper is always so laughably wrong that may be why Todd McShay gets more and more air time as each Draft Day approaches. Mel’s a one- trick pony that isn’t even very good at that one trick. 

MATT MILLEN – Who better to add as an NFL analyst than a man whose only accomplishment was running the Detroit Lions into the ground when he was managing things for them? That’s like adding Ed Wood as a creative consultant on a film project. 

ERIN ANDREWS – The only weak link on the otherwise excellent College Game Day program, Erin Andrews has a gig any of ESPN’s other female broadcasters could handle much better. Andrews redefines the expression “blonde airhead” and may very well set back women in the college football world every bit as much as Bobby Petrino’s alleged mistress Jessica Dorrell. 

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content                

Charles "The Bearded Badass" Darwin

 Some things happen only once every four years – things like Michael Moore having a coherent thought and Rush Limbaugh prying his head out of his ass. Another one of those things would be February 29th: Leap Day. Balladeer’s Blog takes a look at some of the milestone events that got cheated out of a yearly anniversary by happening on this date.

1704 – French provocateurs and Native Americans attack Deerfield, MA and kill roughly 50 inhabitants while abducting 100. Ronald Reagan’s ancestor recommends selling arms to Persia to secure the release of the abductees.

1720 - In Sweden, Queen Ulrica Eleonora resigns following general public ridicule of her name “Ulrica”. I’m kidding! But she did resign.

1784 – In France, the Marquis de Sade is transferred from the fortress of Vincennes to the Bastille in exchange for 3 other sadists and a masochist to be named later.

1832 – Charles Darwin explores the Brazilian jungle and gets a great idea for how he can screw with conservative religious nuts until long after he’s dead.

1836 – In Paris, Meyerbeers’ opera Les Huguenots premieres. Nobody cared back then either.

1840 – Future Penn State Coach Joe Paterno is born. (Disclaimer: that probably isn’t true.)

1868 – The first British government of Benjamin Disraeli is formed. Later in the year he would form his first Swedish government and first Argentinian government to much popular acclaim.

1892 – The United States and Great Britain sign a treaty regarding seal hunting in the Bering Sea. The seals, however, had no representation in the talks.

1904 – U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt appoints a 7 man Panama Canal committee. After countless staff-hours and $900 million dollars in taxpayer’s money they determine the canal hasn’t been built yet.

1908 – Dutch scientists produce solid helium. The world yawns.

1936 – U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signs the 2nd Neutrality Act after nobody commited to the 1st one. (Thank you! I’m here all week!)

1940 – Gone with the Wind wins 8 Oscar awards. Conservatives bitterly complain about the movie promoting the homosexual agenda in some really obscure, indecipherable way.

Also 1940 – The international community notes that 45 U-Boats, total tonnage 170,000, were sunk in the 29 days of February. Decades later, liberals bitterly cite this as proof of man-made global warming in some really obscure, indecipherable way.

Also 1940 – Hattie McDaniel becomes the first African American woman to win an Oscar, though decades later Newt Gingrich would try to claim credit for this same accomplishment.

1948 – As of this date the collective Muslim world has failed to provide a homeland for the Palestinians. Later in the year, after the official birth of the nation of Israel, the Muslim world will suddenly remember that the most important thing in all of their lives is providing a homeland for the Palestinians.  

1952 – The island of Heligoland is given back to Germany even though they don’t want it. (I’m kidding!)

1956 – The Islamic Republic of Pakistan is formed, vowing to “set back the clock on several centuries of social and scientific progress.” 

Also 1956 – Determined to further refine his golf game, U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower announces he will seek a 2nd term in office.

1960 – The 1st Playboy Club opens in Chicago. Later on, Gloria Steinem will pretend she uncovered something earth-shaking by revealing that the cocktail waitresses who work there don’t lead glamorous, exciting lives. Wow! Stop the presses on that one, Gloria! Here in the year 2012 cocktail waitresses in nearly every casino in Las Vegas wear outfits far more revealing than the Playboy Bunnies ever wore, proving that women can hold elected office, have high-powered careers and head major corporations no matter what allegedly “demeaning” outfits are worn by cocktail waitresses.

1964 – In New York, the musical Rugantino closed after a mere 28 performances. The comparatively brief run is explained by angry patrons who thought Rugantino was a new Italian dish.

Also 1964 – Frank Rugani sets the badminton shuttlecock distance record before a record crowd of 2 million spectators, all of whom mistakenly thought they were showing up for the musical Rugantino instead.  

Also 1964 - President Lyndon Johnson announces that the U.S. secretly developed the A-11 jet fighter, but nobody believes him. (Credibility gap jokes! Who doesn’t love them?)

1968 – Howard Hanson’s 6th Symphony premieres, causing widespread violence in the outraged Muslim world. (Well, that’s what I’m assuming, anyway, since it seems like anything and everything outrages the Muslim world.)  

Also 1968 – The Beatles’ album Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band wins a Grammy Award. The zombified corpse of Paul McCartney accepts the award on behalf of the band.

1972 – Hank Aaron becomes the 1st baseball player to sign a contract for $200,000 per year, causing widespread violence in the outraged Muslim world. 

1980 – In England, Michael Bracey was finally freed after 59 hours and 55 minutes trapped in an elevator. The rest of the world tells Bracey they don’t even want to know what he did about bathroom breaks.

1984 – Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau announces he will stop drawing the Democratic comic strip Doonesbury. I’m kidding! This Trudeau announced he would step down from office.  

1988 – Mark Greatbatch scores 107 vs England in his Test Cricket debut. Disgraced former president Richard Nixon accidentally gets a glimpse of Mark in the shower and says “It is indeed a Great Batch.”

Also 1988 – KWK in St Louis changes their call letters to WKBG … forever changing life as we know it.

Also 1988 – New York City mayor Ed Koch calls President Reagan a wimp in the war on drugs. Reagan offers to sell Hawk missiles to drug dealers to show Koch he means business.

1996 – In the Cricket World Cup Kenya defeats the West Indies, shocking citizens of both countries, who had no idea people still played cricket.  

2000 – Nothing much happens, causing the most widespread violence the outraged Muslim world has ever seen.

2004 – In Haiti, Jean Bertrand Aristide resigns as president following the public outcry over the fact that his name isn’t as catchy as “Papa Doc” and “Baby Doc” Duvalier.

2012 – At last, after 8 years of chaos, Aristide is replaced by college football player “Munchie” Legeaux, who isn’t even Haitian but has a really kickass nickname.

Take care, folks! Let’s do this again in four years.

FOR MY RELATED LOOK AT PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons/

http://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons-part-2-harrison-to-obama/

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

America's first Amish president. I'm kidding!

 23. BENJAMIN HARRISON – Motto: “What this country needs right now is a man whose grandfather was president  barely a month before dying.” *** Nickname: Baby McKee’s Grandfather *** Pro: Was the  president who first had the White House wired for electricity.  Con: His entire administration was overshadowed by the press’ obsession with his terminally “cute” grandson, Baby McKee. 

24. GROVER CLEVELAND, TERM 2 – Motto: “He’s back … deadlier and more powerful than ever before!” ***  Nickname: King of the Wild Frontier *** Pro: Was 10 % doughier than in his first term.  Con: Came down harder on striking workers than some presidents come down on actual criminal behavior and called Eugene Debs ”an enemy of the human race”. 

25. WILLIAM MCKINLEY – Motto: “Whatever Ohio Political Machine Boss Mark Hanna thinks my motto should be.” *** Nickname: McStudly *** Pro: Tried to establish a tradition of campaigning from your own front porch.  Con: Got assassinated for an even dumber reason than Garfield. ( If you’re wondering, Leon Czolgosz shot McKinley, then shouted “I am an anarchist! I don’t believe in marriage, I believe in Free Love!” Take THAT, McKinley! ) 

26. THEODORE ROOSEVELT – Motto: “I love me some me!” *** Nickname: LBJ *** Pro: Once went eleven straight seconds thinking about something besides himself.  Con: That whole treatment of the Philippines after the Spanish- American War thing. 

27. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT – Motto: “I’d rather be serving as Chief Justice instead!” *** Nickname: The Gangster of Love *** Pro: After being president went on to be a pretty good Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme  Court.  Con: Was military governor of the Philippines during a large part of McKinley and Roosevelt’s aforementioned treatment of the inhabitants. 

28. WOODROW WILSON – Motto: ” Hey, my League of Nations thing was no more impotent and corrupt than the United Nations has turned out to be!” *** Nickname: Woody Dub *** Pro: Defeated both the incumbent Taft and Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull Moose Party candidacy in the election of 1912.  Con: Won reelection on the slogan “He kept us out of war” then got us involved in World War One anyway after getting reelected. 

29. WARREN G HARDING – Motto: ” You’ll never take me alive, coppers!” *** Nickname: The Ohio Gang’s Lackey *** Pro: Appointed former president Taft as one of the most capable Chief Justices in Supreme Court history.  Con: His crooked administration did everything but print counterfeit money in the White House basement and only his untimely death in office prevented the full truth of his cronies’ misdeeds from coming to light.

30. CALVIN COOLIDGE – Motto: “Absolute proof that the less a president does the better!” *** Nickname: The Vermont Sex Machine *** Pro: The full extent of his farewell address was ” Goodbye, I have had a very enjoyable time in Washington.” I’m serious. Con: Thought it was just an amazing coincidence that some of the people scheduled to testify in the investigations of his predecessor’s administration kept committing suicide or dying unexpectedly.  

The 20th Century Barack Obama

  31. HERBERT HOOVER – Motto: “Eternally grateful to Barack Obama for doing a possibly worse job on the economy than I did!” *** Nickname: The Callous Fool *** Pro: Fulfilled a little- known constitutional requirement that the 30th and 31st presidents MUST have alliterative names.  Con: Actually once tried to blame the Great Depression on unusual sunspot activity.

32. FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT – Motto: “I’m handi- capable!” *** Nickname: The Italian Stallion *** Pro: Competently guided the nation through the Great Depression and added a humane element to the practice of governing the nation.  Con: Violated the 2 term precedent until in his 4th term they literally pried the presidency from his cold, dead hands.

33. HARRY TRUMAN – Motto: “Get that corpse out of here so I can get to work!” (I’m kidding!) *** Nickname: Dewey’s Bitch *** Pro: Fired the at best senile and at worst demented General Douglas MacArthur during the Korean War.  Con: Brought Boss Tom Pendergast’s attitude that graft is a natural perk of elected office with him to the White House.

34. DWIGHT EISENHOWER – Motto: “FOOORE!” (Remember, the traditional cry as you’re teeing off in golf? Oh, never mind!) *** Nickname: Uncle Milty *** Pro: Knew enough to distrust Richard Nixon long before it became the national pasttime.  Con: Was the first president to pronounce nuclear as “nucular”.

35. JOHN F KENNEDY – Motto: “Thank God for television!” *** Nickname: FDR *** Pro: The man was shrewd enough to distrust liberals and conservatives equally.  Con: I can’t find out what happened to this guy. Anybody hear anything? 

36. LYNDON JOHNSON – Motto: “Hey, hey, LBJ, how many lies did you tell today?” *** Nickname: Lucky Lindy/ The Eagle of the USA  (interchangeable)  *** Pro: His handling of domestic issues has been sadly underappreciated.  Con: Once claimed that “Vietnam is like the Alamo” even though Vietnam was crawling with more people from Texas than the Alamo ever was. (Thank you! I’m here all week!) 

37. RICHARD NIXON – Motto: “You b******s stop that f*****g s**t about my c***-sucking administration and those m***********g b*****t lies about those c***s at the f*****g Watergate Building!” *** Nickname: The Unindicted Co-Conspirator In Chief *** Pro: Helped prolong comedian Rich Little’s career by a full decade at least.  Con: Was so emotionally unstable and insecure that he might have become a crazed loner/ serial killer type if he hadn’t gone into politics. 

38. GERALD FORD – Motto: “Huh?” *** Nickname: The Black Moses of Soul *** Pro: Provided much- needed comic relief to the country following the Nixon scandals.  Con: Lost to Jimmy Carter … JIMMY CARTER! 

The confused, smiling face of utter ineptitude.

  39. JIMMY CARTER – Motto: “What Grant and Harding were to corruption Jimmy Carter was to incompetence.” *** Nickname: The Global Village Idiot or The Once and Future National Embarrassment, take your pick. Sure, it’s kind of unwieldy but it captures Jimmy perfectly! *** Pro: His every action went so hilariously wrong his term played like one long “Don’t let this happen to you” lesson for future presidents.  Con: Never met a dictator whose butt he didn’t immediately kiss, while implying other countries could learn a lot from said dictators.

40. RONALD REAGAN – Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouted mindless right- wing dogma.” *** Nickname: The Boil On History’s Buttocks *** Pro: Once starred in films with Errol Flynn.  Con: Was the very embodiment of the “Greed is good” 1980′s. 

41. GEORGE H.W. BUSH – Motto: ” If not for Ronald Reagan he’d never have been elected!” *** Nickname: Ike *** Pro: Unlike his predecessor, he actually knew what decade it was. *** Con: His every word and deed was more annoying than fingernails on a chalkboard.

42. BILL CLINTON – Motto: “Don’t resign like that pussy Nixon did! Make ‘em DRAG you out if they can!” *** Nickname: Old Trailer Park Trash *** Pro: Actually displayed some fundamental administrative competence.  Con: Used the institution of the presidency as a get-rich- quick scheme.  

43. GEORGE W. BUSH – Motto: ” Criticism of my speaking abilities is like ducks off my back … or water we’ve all passed under the bridge, or something.” *** Nickname: The Sage of Walden Pond *** Pro: When I think of one I’ll get back to you.  Con: Completely squandered the general good will that many nations were willing to extend to the United States after the 9-11 attacks. 

44. BARACK OBAMA – Motto: “A clueless figurehead who incessantly spouts mindless left- wing dogma!” *** Nickname: A tie between ”The Condescender-In- Chief” and “The Tabula Rasa On Which The Sixties Generation Writes Their Presidential Fantasies” *** Pro: He and his hopelessly embittered wife have made as many stupid remarks as George W Bush ever did and they’re all immortalized on Youtube!  Con: Simple- mindedly insists on viewing the 21st century strictly in terms of the issues and conflicts of the 1960′s because he has no ideas of his own. 

Well, there you go! Now liberal zombies can accuse me of being a conservative and conservative zombies can accuse me of being a liberal! What a strange thing the American political scene has become thanks to uncompromising partisan zealots. Anyway, enjoy this holiday dedicated to a long line of people who abused the public trust while feathering their own nests and lecturing their constituents about living up to a moral and ethical code they themselves constantly violated.

FOR PART ONE – WASHINGTON TO CLEVELAND, ROUND ONE, CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons/ 

AND FOR MORE OF MY TAKES ON MINDLESS LIBERALS AND MINDLESS CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fun Fact: Barbara Bush patterned her "look" after Millard Fillmore

 In honor of the President’s Day Holiday weekend Balladeer’s Blog will present some of my quick takes on each of the 44 men who have stayed one step ahead of the law while occupying the Oval Office.

1. GEORGE WASHINGTON – Motto – “Did you know I turned down a salary as Commander In Chief during the Revolutionary War? Well did you?”  *** Nickname: The First Lady of Broadway *** Pro: Established the precedent of stepping down after 2 terms max.  Con: Owned other human beings.

2. JOHN ADAMS – Motto – ” A day without alienating someone is like a day without sunshine.” *** Nickname: Boom-Boom *** Pro: Was almost fanatically honest.  Con: Alienated nearly everyone except his wife Abigail.

3. THOMAS JEFFERSON – Motto: ” What’s with that painting where I look like Bea Arthur?” *** Nickname: The Pompous Hypocrite *** Pro: Never vetoed a single bill, deferring to the will of the people’s representatives.  Con: Owned other human beings.

4. JAMES MADISON – Motto: “That’s me on the five thousand dollar bill, babe!” *** Nickname: Dolly Madison’s Husband *** Pro: Effectively handled the War of 1812 and other messes resulting from Jefferson’s bizarre policies.  Con: Owned other human beings.

5. JAMES MONROE – Motto: “I’m sick of hearing about how John Quincy Adams was the real author of The Monroe Doctrine” *** Nickname: The Furnituregate Mastermind *** Pro: Bought Florida from Spain, ensuring America would have a long, phallic peninsula dangling off our mainland.  Con: See Washington, Jefferson and Madison.  

6. JOHN QUINCY ADAMS – Motto: “No slaves, no tact, no problem!” *** Nickname: Mr Television *** Pro: Was another rare example of an honest elected figure.  Con: Was just as adept as his father at alienating everyone around him.

7. ANDREW JACKSON – Motto: ” Loathing the British and Native Americans since the Revolutionary War!” *** Nickname: Tricky Dick *** Pro: Firmly kept the southern states in line during the Nullification Crisis.  Con: Owned other human beings and was the first president to veto bills just because he didn’t like them and not based on their constitutionality. This ugly tradition has continued ever since.  

8. MARTIN VAN BUREN – Motto: “ Riding my association with Andrew Jackson right into the Oval Office” *** Nickname: Martin Van Ruin (Seriously. This was a rare case where a real nickname was funny enough that no change was needed) *** Pro: Single-handedly added the expression “O.K.” to the national lexicon.  Con: Had one seriously Bad Hair Day for his presidential portrait. 

Martin Van Buren: Static electricity in action.

   9. WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON – Motto: ” Never overstay your welcome.” *** Nickname: Bushitler *** Pro: Tried to establish a tradition of presidents dying barely a month into their term.  Con: Delivered a two hour long inaugural address during an actual blizzard.

10. JOHN TYLER – Motto: “Because Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too made for one kick- ass campaign slogan!” *** Nickname: His Accidency (Again, funny enough to just go with it) *** Pro: Fought Congressional attempts at usurpation to establish the precedent that a Vice President becomes a full president with all a president’s powers on the death of the incumbent President.  Con: Owned other human beings and later served in the Confederate States Congress during the Civil War.

11. JAMES K POLK – Motto: “You can’t spell polka without Polk!” *** Nickname: Pimpin’ Polk *** Pro: Kept his campaign promise to only serve one term since one of the issues he ran on was trying to limit presidents to just one term apiece.  Con: His association with Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson prompted his supporters to try to get people to call him by the awkward nickname “Young Hickory”. I’m serious. 

12. ZACHARY TAYLOR: Motto: “The Compromise of 1850 will pass only over my dead body!” *** Nickname: The Wall- Eyed Whig *** Pro: Got tough with the ever- disgruntled southern states by threatening to veto the Compromise of 1850 (which he felt yielded too much to southern demands to extend slavery) and warning them that if they seceded he would personally lead the army against them and hang any rebels he came across.  Con: Died from what some people consider a suspicious stomach ailment right before he could veto the Compromise of 1850.  

13. MILLARD FILLMORE – Motto: “Don’t worry – not even his own family remembered he had ever been President!” *** Nickname: The M.F. in the White House *** Pro: Opened up trade with Japan  Con: Went right ahead and signed the Compromise of 1850 after succeeding to the presidency upon Zachary Taylor’s untimely death. (I wonder what Abraham Zapruder’s ancestors were doing back then. I’m kidding!) 

14. FRANKLIN PIERCE – Motto: “My wife Jane was every bit as crazy as Mary Lincoln!” *** Nickname: Old What’s His Name *** Pro: Was the first president to have a Christmas Tree in the White House.  Con: Tried to convince the northern and southern states to forget their differences and stand united against the threat of creeping Mormonism. 

15. JAMES BUCHANAN – Motto: ” A president every bit as lousy as Barack Obama and George W Bush!” *** Nickname: The Man Who Lost Half The Country *** Pro: Gave his name to the fictional high school on Welcome Back, Kotter.  Con: More states seceded from the Union under him than under any other president. 

16. ABRAHAM LINCOLN – Motto: “The guy who put the ’man’ in Great Emancipator!” *** Nickname: Honest Injun *** Pro: Guided the country through the Civil War and ensured that slavery would no longer be legal in the restored Union.  Con: His career as an aspiring theater critic was cut viciously short. 

17. ANDREW JOHNSON – Motto: “Impeach THIS, you bastards!” *** Nickname: J-Lo *** Pro: His principled stand against a legislative branch that was overstepping its authority preserved the important defense mechanism of checks and balances in the separation of powers.  Con: May well have been drunk off his ass during his speech at Lincoln’s 2nd inauguration. 

Not pictured: Samuel Tilden

  18. ULYSSES S GRANT – Motto: ” Setting a standard of sleaze and corruption that would inspire the Harding and Obama administrations.” *** Nickname: Gary “U.S.” Bonds *** Pro: May have been simply too naive to realize what his appointees were up to.  Con: Let his cronies run the country like a Mafia bust- out operation.

19. RUTHERFORD B HAYES – Motto: “When you’re fraudulently elected president you should show the good grace to step down after just one term.” *** Nickname: Old 8 to 7 (Again, the real nickname is funny enough to stand on its own) *** Pro: Was the first president to hold the White House Easter Egg roll.  Con: Samuel J Tilden in all likelihood really won the disputed election of 1876 so Hayes should never have been in the White House at all. 

20. JAMES GARFIELD – Motto: “What $5,000 bribe from those street- paving people?” *** Nickname: Ol’ Blue Eyes *** Pro: Was the first ambidextrous president and could speak both Greek and Latin.  Con: Was assassinated by Charles Guiteau because Garfield refused to name him the American consul in Paris. I’m serious.  

21. CHESTER A ARTHUR – Motto: “Sometimes a sleazy, graft- grabbing politician turns out to have a heart of gold.” *** Nickname: Chester the Molestor (I’m kidding!) *** Pro: Defied his corrupt patron Senator Roscoe Conkling and ran a mostly honest administration, even helping along Civil Service reform to drive party hacks out of many government positions.  Con: May have put the moves on the British ambassador’s 19 year old daughter Victoria in a celebrated incident. 

22. GROVER CLEVELAND – Motto: “The answer to the Trivial Pursuit question ‘Who was the only 2- term U.S. president to serve those terms non- consecutively?” *** Nickname: The Round Mound of Rebound *** Pro: Defied public disapproval and married his 21 year old ward Frances Folsom while serving as president.  Con: This Democratic president actually said ”Though the people should support the government the government should never support the people.” 

FOR PART II, WHERE I COVER BENJAMIN HARRISON TO OBAMA, CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/2012/02/19/balladeers-blogs-presidential-pros-and-cons-part-2-harrison-to-obama/

AND FOR MORE OF MY TAKES ON MINDLESS LIBERALS AND MINDLESS CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Nevaeh felt the world deserved a look at her new, more mature self, so here she is examining the Top 25 women’s teams in the First Division of NAIA college basketball.

NEVAEH: Okay, people, since there’s still quite a few years to go before I’m able to replace that blonde bimbo Erin Andrews on ESPN I’m once again gracing that Wozniak guy’s blog with my presence. Like most sports fans I am sick and tired of the NCAA and its petty power plays and its habit of abusing its authority so I want to look at women’s hoops in the NAIA instead. Mr Wozniak said to make sure you people know what NAIA stands for but I just said, “Well, DUH”, like I said to a particularly clueless  department store Santa not long ago.

NAIA stands for the National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics, a wonderful alternative to the overly oppressive NCAA. Now that y’all are straightened out on that here’s my look at the Top 25.

1. Oklahoma City University Stars – These ladies have almost as much star power as I do and deserve their top spot in the rankings.

2. Union (TN) Bulldogs – You go, girls! Forget all those Non-Union Bulldogs, peeps! Look for the Union label in your hoops teams.

3. Freed-Hardeman Lions – Sleek and powerful like their animal namesakes these ladies will mess you up in the paint!

4. Lewis-Clark State Warriors – Teams facing the Warriors become real Worriers because they know what a tough team they’re up against.

5. Westmont Warriors – I already did my Warriors joke. Let’s move along. C’mon!

6. Shawnee State Bears – Bears are fearsome but elegant and that’s exactly how I view this Shawnee State team.  

7. Langston Lions – Mr Wozniak always likes to say they should change their name to the Langston Hugheses, so since that’s a reference to one of my favorite poets I’ll repeat his line.

8. Vanguard Lions – Three teams called Lions already? You people need more variety!

9. Lee Flames – Now that’s what I’m talking about! The Flames will scorch your sorry butt on the court if you take them lightly!

10. St Xavier Cougars – This team is the official team of one of my Nana’s coworkers, Mrs Zajdel. She cheered their football team on to their first national championship last month!

11. Azusa Pacific Cougars – What are the odds that so many teams with similar names would all happen to make the Top 25 at once? Weird.

12 and 13. Campbellsville Tigers and the Olivet Nazarene Tigers -  Too many Tigers teams in college sports I always say, but THEY DON’T LISTEN!

14. Cumberlands Patriots – These red white and blue ladies make opposing teams feel black and blue with their spectacular defensive play.

15. Southern Nazarene University Crimson Storm – Beautiful name! Who wouldn’t want to play for them?

16. Xavier (LA) Gold Nuggets – You don’t have to bother prospecting for these Gold Nuggets! Like me, they are very obvious treasures and they know it!

17. Lubbock Christian University Chaparrals – Go Chaps! I love that name and I think their logo with that really cute bird is great!  

18. Shorter Hawks -Shorter Hawks, Taller Hawks, Big and Tall Hawks, they’re all pretty cool and this institution is located in Rome, GA so how do you like that?

19-21 – Bethel (TN) Wildcats, Georgetown (KY) Tigers and Robert Morris (IL) Eagles – Too many teams with those names. I mean it now!

22. Lindsey Wilson College Blue Raiders – I love this name! Blue Raiders sounds like it would be a video game or something!

23. Columbia (MO) Cougars – I’m through with teams named Cougars, too. Next!

24. Rocky Mountain College Battlin’ Bears – In the tradition of the Fighting Irish and the Soaring Eagles  it’s the Battlin’ Bears! Somebody out there needs to call their teams the Dancing Nevaehs! Get on that, people!  

25. Rogers State University Hillcats – Hey, they’re named after Will Rogers and though I’ve never heard of him Mr Wozniak says he was a funny guy. But if you’ve read this blog’s Bad Movie page you probably shouldn’t trust his idea of what’s funny. 

I’m outta here! Thank you to Mr Wozniak for letting me fill in for him on this post and all of you look out for me on ESPN sometime down the road. You can’t hide talent like mine, so excuse me while I go measure Erin Andrews’ office and start making my redecorating plans.

1. MY MOST BEAUTIFUL POST – I’ll use this one since I used it to pay some deserved compliments to two of the greatest friends anyone could ask for – Noralee and Bill – http://glitternight.com/2010/11/18/special-guest-commentators-oolong-and-pekoe-ask-whats-up-with-all-these-teams-called-tigers/

2. MY MOST POPULAR POST – It may be its longevity that has given it the cumulative edge, but it’s my very first blog post, from June 21st of 2010. It’s a funny (?) list – http://glitternight.com/2010/06/21/the-20-coolest-named-college-sports-teams-you-may-have-never-heard-of-naia-edition/

3. MY MOST CONTROVERSIAL POSTS – Here they are, hands down, the posts that got me e-mails that were full of outrage or praise  - http://glitternight.com/2011/04/04/milestones-in-the-history-of-stupidity-people-slain-over-a-book-being-burned/ 

And here’s the second one – http://glitternight.com/2011/08/16/bad-movie-page-ghost-busting-1991/

4. MY MOST HELPFUL POST – This one, since many e-mailers told me it clarified a subject that used to puzzle them – http://glitternight.com/2011/09/22/at-long-last-my-ancient-greek-comedy-posts-begin/

5. THE POST WHOSE SUCCESS SURPRISED ME THE MOST – This one – I expected reaction, but people linked to this from all over the web so I got a lot more hits from it than I expected – http://glitternight.com/2011/01/04/the-five-biggest-creeps-in-sports/

6. THE POST I FEEL DIDN’T GET THE ATTENTION IT DESERVED – It would have to be this one, about 6 television shows that I feel deserve HUGE cult followings – http://glitternight.com/2011/03/09/six-television-shows-that-deserve-a-lost-sized-cult-following/

7. THE POST I AM MOST PROUD OF – This one, about the action- packed adventures of some forgotten fictional heroes – http://glitternight.com/pulp-heroes/

And now, the easy part – naming other WP blogs that I love to read –

SPARKYKAURIE - What’s not to love at this eclectic blog for quirky thinkers? Read it now, thank me later-  http://sparkylaurie.wordpress.com/

MIDAEVAL MAIDEN -As with her other blog, Life With 4 Cats, this blog by Sara treats readers to deteails about her eventful life while she muses on how hobbies can keep us sane in this bizarre existence http://midaevalmaiden.wordpress.com/

MY LITTLE DOG – Didi from England is the author of this blog about her family’s life as the entourage of their whippet, George. She also covers plenty of tips on diets and health care for dogs as well http://mylittledog.wordpress.com/

UNGA BUNGA GIRL – Cathy shares her highly stylized poetry and her prose thoughts on life in general at this consummate reader’s blog http://ungabungagirl.wordpress.com/

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO WOMAN – “Woman” shares some very intimate thoughts, ideas and fantasies at her blog and also gives readers a glimpse into life as a teacher in China http://theworldaccordingtowoman.wordpress.com/

HOUSE OF VINES – Sannion, my favorite practicing pagan (he’s on my fantasy team in fact) and a brilliant author on pagan belief systems in both the ancient AND modern worlds – http://thehouseofvines.wordpress.com/

CHRONICLES OF ILLUSION – Renaissance woman Jo Bryant, (known as “Buckshot” to her friends) reveals her talents at poetry, photography and much more – http://jobryantnz.wordpress.com/

DRIBBLING PENSIONER – No, he’s not a trash-talking power forward for an NBA team, he’s a trash talking power blogger with two-fisted opinions about every subject under the sun – http://dribblingpensioner.wordpress.com/

I hate to break it to you, Little LeBron, but even the people who rooted FOR YOU are waking up with the same lives they had yesterday. So your snobbish, pouting remarks didn’t impress anyone except jock-sniffing sports “journalists” like Ryen Russillo (the guy who keeps trying to hold his head so the cameras can’t pick up his huge, ever-expanding bald spot) who was leading his fellow boot-lickers in admitting they would trade their own lives for LeBron’s. That says more about the insecurities and the inability to come to grips with failed dreams of the frustrated jocks in sports broadcasting than it does about people in the real world. So, congratulations Dirk and the two Jasons (Kidd and Terry) for “taking your talents to South Beach” and defeating John, Paul, George and Ringless, who had started calling themselves the Heatles earlier in the season. If they gave out rings for self-promotion LeBron would have several, but as it is he and I are still tied for NBA titles.

JAKE: The first person to make with a “Jake want a cracker?” joke will be on my list. … I’m just sayin’.  I’m also known as JJ, as in Gittes, to throw in another Chinatown reference like the guy who normally writes for this blog did. I really admire the way

my predecessors Oolong, Pekoe, Gaius and Twiggy addressed the incredible overuse of the names Tigers, Bulldogs and Wildcats for college sports teams. In the interest of cross- species solidarity I would like to take up that baton and turn a critical eye to the massive abuse of the name Eagles in college sports. I’ll offer an alternative name for some of the Eagles teams that are practically begging for a new moniker. 

CURRENT NAME: Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Eagles    NEW NAME – I suggest the Aeronauts. It may or may not be a real word depending on which source you use, but what do you want? I’m a parrot! ERAU could still use an eagle as the actual mascot but the name Aeronauts is cool as hell and is a lot more memorable than being roughly the 1,324th college whose teams are called the Eagles. 

CURRENT NAME: Concordia (CA) Eagles – As all college sports fans know, there are almost as many Concordias around the country as there are teams called Eagles, that’s why their location is always given in parentheses. That Balladeer guy often jokes that in the 23rd Century there will be colleges listed as Concordia (Mars) or Concordia (Alpha Centauri). … Hey, I didn’t think it was funny, either but to keep him happy I threw it in here.     NEW NAME – For this team we’ll throw in a cool-named bird that never seems to get used for sports teams and go with the Condors! Talk about a criminally unused name that would lend itself to butt-kicking logos! 

CURRENT NAME: Biola Eagles    NEW NAME – I think alliterative nicknames are particularly memorable for college sports teams so how about the Biola Black Birds? Or since Long Island University already uses that one how about the Blue Birds? (Too many teams are called Blue Jays so don’t go there) To prove I’m not provincial in my thinking I’ll even go outside my own species and suggest the Biola Beagles!  

Toccoa Falls Eagles – NEW NAME – The name Toucans comes to mind, or even Ptarmigans, or Pterodactyls. The newly-crowned champions of the NCCAA’s Division 2 College World Series deserve a much more memorable name than (yawn) Eagles. Or if you don’t like my love affair with alliteration how about the Toccoa Falls Hummingbirds?  

Spalding Golden Eagles – NEW NAME – Okay, I’ll give them props for putting the word Golden in front of Eagles, but there are so many teams called Golden Eagles it’s almost no net gain. If you’re going to add a qualifier in front of Eagles make it something special, like the Elmira College Soaring Eagles do. But I digress. If you’re called Spalding the best name for your teams would be the Captains, y’know! C’mon people … Groucho Marx … Hooray for Captain Spalding … Oh, forget it!

Judson Eagles – NEW NAME – I’ll dispense with modesty now and suggest the Judson Parrots would have a certain grandeur that all other bird names would lack. In fact that would go for any other teams for that matter. We’re cute, we talk, we repeat the gibberish you large, hairless apes mutter, we look fantastic on the shoulders of pirates, we want crackers … NOW! (D’oh! Broke my own rule!)

Or if you MUST use the name Eagles for your sports teams how about a catchy descriptive word in front of it? There’s the Philadelphia Biblical University Crimson Eagles, the afore-mentioned Soaring Eagles and the Life University Running Eagles. In that tradition let me suggest the Sneezing Eagles, the Squatting Eagles, the Prevaricating Eagles, the Eager Eagles, the Bass-Fishing Eagles or for a contemporary twist – the Text-Messaging Eagles.

And on that note, I’ll turn you back over to the guy who normally writes this blog. I’m very familiar with his work because my mom prints all of his posts just so she can use them to line the inside of my cage … if you get my meaning.

“There we were, finally poised to get our piece of the reality tv pie”, he bemoaned, “when those damn Navy Seals come in and spoil everything! It’s just another example of American Imperialism and cowboy diplomacy!” 

Like all reality shows, the program was going to focus on uncomfortable, ugly confrontations and arguments (I’ve always felt the motto for all reality tv shows should be “As awkward and boring as real life”), the centerpiece of which was going to be a knock- down drag- out fight between two wives over whose turn it was to de-louse Osama’s beard.

Another of the program’s main selling points was going to be the wives’ insights to “the man behind the massacres” and his outdated, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic worldview. Some of the nuggets:

Osama’s biggest pet peeve: “Holocaust documentaries that come without a laugh track.”

Favorite snack: “Bacon wrapped around sausage, Homer Simpson style.”

On if there is even one Jewish person he would allow to live: “Adam Sandler. He loved him!”  (That figures)

On the sex-lives of woman- hating, mass- murdering Jihadists: “Osama hadn’t been able to get it up for anything except pictures of little boys from the JC Penney catalog in about 20 years.”

On his favorite recreational activity: “Dressing up like Dean Martin and swinging down a pole with all of us dressed up as The Golddiggers.”  (Wow, he WAS old!)

On their real feelings about him: “We always thought that demented fool was far- gone on drugs or something. He hated the Americans for having gay rights, reproductive freedom, equal rights for women and separation of church and state. He caused the entire Muslim world more heartache and sorrow than anyone else probably ever could. His entire life was a failure.”

On the 9-11 attacks: “He was always complaining about how he did all that planning and one of his stupid ideas finally worked, yet so many people in the world are such imbeciles they actually think the American government staged the attacks themselves!”

On kicking back after a hard day of advocating the death of every man, woman and child who didn’t want to live as if it was centuries ago: “Osama would slam down some booze, then set a Koran on fire so he could light up a stogie like George Burns, whom he babysat, by the way.”

On his hand-picked successor as Al Quaeda’s leader: “He always dreamed of having his propoganda minister Michael Moore succeed him. Michael was the only man who hated Americans more than he did.”

Despite the world-wide spoiler about how the final episode ends, this should be a riveting, entertaining program! Watch for it soon, on OWN!