Lance Armstrong has recently joined the heap of other disgraced athletes from around the world. Olympians, soccer players, football, basketball and baseball players all seem tainted by drugs, cheating, domestic violence and a wide range of other scandals. The world turns its lonely eyes to the sole remaining PURE sport … the beautiful game itself – Wife Carrying.
Wife Carrying is a bastion of honesty in a sports world that has been averting its eyes in shame for too long. As an organization Wife Carrying is more professionally run than the National Hockey League, which is enduring another work stoppage just a few years after viewers proved they don’t miss it one bit when it’s not around. I understand Ken Burns will soon be doing a 47 hour documentary on Wife Carrying so we’ll all be looking forward to that. Gilbert Gottfried and Roseanne Barr will lend their voice talents to the venture I’ve been told.
Earlier this month the World Champions of this magnificent sport, Taisto Miettinen and Kristina Haapanen of What’s
Haapanen fame, traveled from their native Finland to Maine to participate in the North American Championship. The competition consists of husbands carrying their wives over their shoulders as they run through a course that contains obstacles like a water hole, sandtraps and hurdles. In the Tiger Woods Wife Carrying Open participants have the option of carrying the porn starlet of their choice instead of their wife.
At any rate Taisto and Kristina won the North American title for 2012 in Maine at the Sunday River Resort. The prize for winning is the wife’s weight in beer and 5 times her weight in cash. For once in this article I’m NOT kidding. Here’s hoping Wife Carrying soon becomes an Olympic sport along with its natural offshoot – Mother-In-Law Tossing. After all, a world that will watch Survivor and The View will watch anything.
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