MOCK DEFINITIONS OF LIBERAL AND CONSERVATIVE TERMS

“If I get reelected I want YOUR take-home pay to be reduced so drastically that you have trouble making ends meet while my cronies and I remain rich from plundering the public treasury! Sucks to be YOU losers!”

Welcome back to the favorite site of Independent Voters, Balladeer’s Blog, as always coming to you from an America where every single news outlet slants its coverage in order to pander to either Liberals or Conservatives. Tonight is this year’s first presidential debate between the usual partisan fools the Democratic and Republican Parties always inflict on the voters. Needless to say, both of them are rich and are children of privilege who have nothing in common with the rest of us. 

As a public service to the rest of us Balladeer’s Blog presents a handy guide to the political terms most frequently used by Liberal fanatics and Conservative fanatics and what those terms REALLY mean. Here they are, in no particular order: 

BARACK OBAMA – An obscure idiomatic expression meaning “Richard Nixon of color”.

MITT ROMNEY – The Republican Party’s version of Walter Mondale, but even less dynamic.

OBAMACARE – A favor Barack Obama has done for insurance companies that donate heavily to the Democratic Party.

DEMOCRATIC PARTY – One of two gangs of white-collar criminals who have hijacked the nation’s political system and prevent third parties from gaining a competitive foothold. Democrats react to all criticism by accusing their critics of racism.

REPUBLICAN PARTY – The second of two gangs of white-collar criminals who have hijacked the nation’s political system and prevent third parties from gaining a competitive foothold. Republicans react to all criticism by accusing their critics of being unpatriotic and ungodly.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – (1) Geopolitical entity that uninformed Liberals pretend is the greatest villain in history and they ignore any and all evidence to the contrary. (2) Geopolitical entity that uninformed Conservatives pretend is the greatest hero in history and they ignore any and all evidence to the contrary.

CHRISTIANS – Religious practitioners who oppose gay marriage and abortion rights and are therefore insulted and attacked by Liberals.

MUSLIMS – Religious practitioners who oppose gay marriage and abortion rights and are therefore defended and coddled by Liberals. (It doesn’t make sense to the rest of us, either.)

SOCIAL SECURITY – A program working Americans pay into and receive benefits from in old age when they need it. Since this is a benefit to our fellow human beings naturally Conservatives hate it and always plan to do away with it.

RACISM – Voting for Barack Obama just because he’s black or voting for Mitt Romney just because Obama’s black.

RACIST – A word so incredibly overused by American Liberals that it’s become virtually meaningless.

FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION – Another freedom American Liberals gutlessly want surrendered to Islam.

CHUCK NORRIS – A Republican Party lackey whose conservative political pronouncements make Arnold Schwarzenegger’s look deep and complex. 

WHOOPIE GOLDBERG – A Democratic Party lackey who looks more and more like Benjamin Franklin with each passing year.

RACEBAITING – The mainstay of the Democratic Party. Some could argue that it’s the Democratic Party’s reason for being, in fact.

FISCAL CLIFF – The cliff that Liberals and Conservatives are driving us toward in the best Thelma and Louise spirit.

GLORIA STEINEM – An obedient lackey of the Democratic Party.

PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY – An obedient lackey of the Republican Party.

GAY MARRIAGE – An institution Liberals feel Christians are “haters” for opposing but Muslims are “misunderstood” for opposing.

CLIMATE CHANGE – A scientific topic used by Liberals and Conservatives for cheap political gain. Liberals mindlessly insist the phenomenon is man-made while Conservatives mindlessly insist it is NOT man-made. Both sides can produce scientists who will support their view and insist the other side’s scientists are lying or wrong. 

FOR MORE ON LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES CLICK HERE: http://glitternight.com/category/liberals-and-conservatives/

© Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Edward Wozniak and Balladeer’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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26 Comments

Filed under LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES

26 responses to “MOCK DEFINITIONS OF LIBERAL AND CONSERVATIVE TERMS

  1. omg this is so funny! u r so good at capturing liberal and conservative idiocy!

  2. Very funny definitions especially for Barack Obama.

  3. u r my favorite blogger 4 the way u stand up to woman-hating Islam! u go!

  4. Miriam

    lol This was so funny! I really enjoyed the definition of the sleazy Obama and the Chuck Norris joke.

  5. So true so true so TRUE! This was so funny and every one of these difinitions u gave is up there with Ambrose Bierce’s work!

  6. lol! This was great! The definition of social security was my favorite part!

  7. Loved the definition of Christians and Muslims the best!

  8. U had me with the opening definitions of Obama and Romney! This was so funny!

  9. Arte

    u r sick and twisted and I mean that in a good way! “Vulcan heritage” and “1960′s solutions” rocked!

  10. Celeste

    Hey there, the definitions of Obama and Social Security were my favorites!

  11. Wow! It’s rare to see somebody really take on both sides. Cheers!

  12. Great post – irreverent and unafraid of skewering the left and the right together.

  13. So where do u stand? U 2 afraid 2 say?

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