“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown.” … Had to be said. Now let’s move on. Since I’m getting geared up for NAIA College World Series coverage and with the Frontierado holiday coming up, plus the NCAA Divisions 2 and 3 having their baseball playoffs right now Jake the parrot, who is one of the star attractions of his mom’s blog volunteered to do some guest commentary. And be sure to buy Jake’s best-selling autobiography titled That Ain’t Dandruff: My Former Life As A Pirate’s Shoulder-Parrot. Anyway, in the bold tradition of Bogie, Tibbs, Oolong and Pekoe, Gaius, George the Whippet, Twiggy and Littlegirl, comes Jake.
JAKE: The first person to make with a “Jake want a cracker?” joke will be on my list. … I’m just sayin’. I’m also known as JJ, as in Gittes, to throw in another Chinatown reference like the guy who normally writes for this blog did. I really admire the way
my predecessors Oolong, Pekoe, Gaius and Twiggy addressed the incredible overuse of the names Tigers, Bulldogs and Wildcats for college sports teams. In the interest of cross- species solidarity I would like to take up that baton and turn a critical eye to the massive abuse of the name Eagles in college sports. I’ll offer an alternative name for some of the Eagles teams that are practically begging for a new moniker.
CURRENT NAME: Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Eagles NEW NAME – I suggest the Aeronauts. It may or may not be a real word depending on which source you use, but what do you want? I’m a parrot! ERAU could still use an eagle as the actual mascot but the name Aeronauts is cool as hell and is a lot more memorable than being roughly the 1,324th college whose teams are called the Eagles.
CURRENT NAME: Concordia (CA) Eagles – As all college sports fans know, there are almost as many Concordias around the country as there are teams called Eagles, that’s why their location is always given in parentheses. That Balladeer guy often jokes that in the 23rd Century there will be colleges listed as Concordia (Mars) or Concordia (Alpha Centauri). … Hey, I didn’t think it was funny, either but to keep him happy I threw it in here. NEW NAME – For this team we’ll throw in a cool-named bird that never seems to get used for sports teams and go with the Condors! Talk about a criminally unused name that would lend itself to butt-kicking logos!
CURRENT NAME: Biola Eagles NEW NAME – I think alliterative nicknames are particularly memorable for college sports teams so how about the Biola Black Birds? Or since Long Island University already uses that one how about the Blue Birds? (Too many teams are called Blue Jays so don’t go there) To prove I’m not provincial in my thinking I’ll even go outside my own species and suggest the Biola Beagles!
Toccoa Falls Eagles – NEW NAME – The name Toucans comes to mind, or even Ptarmigans, or Pterodactyls. The newly-crowned champions of the NCCAA’s Division 2 College World Series deserve a much more memorable name than (yawn) Eagles. Or if you don’t like my love affair with alliteration how about the Toccoa Falls Hummingbirds?
Spalding Golden Eagles – NEW NAME – Okay, I’ll give them props for putting the word Golden in front of Eagles, but there are so many teams called Golden Eagles it’s almost no net gain. If you’re going to add a qualifier in front of Eagles make it something special, like the Elmira College Soaring Eagles do. But I digress. If you’re called Spalding the best name for your teams would be the Captains, y’know! C’mon people … Groucho Marx … Hooray for Captain Spalding … Oh, forget it!
Judson Eagles – NEW NAME – I’ll dispense with modesty now and suggest the Judson Parrots would have a certain grandeur that all other bird names would lack. In fact that would go for any other teams for that matter. We’re cute, we talk, we repeat the gibberish you large, hairless apes mutter, we look fantastic on the shoulders of pirates, we want crackers … NOW! (D’oh! Broke my own rule!)
Or if you MUST use the name Eagles for your sports teams how about a catchy descriptive word in front of it? There’s the Philadelphia Biblical University Crimson Eagles, the afore-mentioned Soaring Eagles and the Life University Running Eagles. In that tradition let me suggest the Sneezing Eagles, the Squatting Eagles, the Prevaricating Eagles, the Eager Eagles, the Bass-Fishing Eagles or for a contemporary twist – the Text-Messaging Eagles.
And on that note, I’ll turn you back over to the guy who normally writes this blog. I’m very familiar with his work because my mom prints all of his posts just so she can use them to line the inside of my cage … if you get my meaning.